In the Rolling Stone piece by Mike Sager, I am called Jeanna Sellers, a name Mike gave me as I didn’t want to do the article or to be identified with John Holmes. Sharon talked me into it. Insisting that we had to speak out after John’s death to dispel the lies he left on his death bed with the incoherent mumblings of his “made up” autobiography. “People need to know,” she told me, “that he was no one’s hero.” With this I agreed, but I was scared and so Mike offered the fake name. Sharon didn’t care if her name was used. She was angry.

I agree about the book’s title, as do many. Maybe it will work out with the publisher.

I also like how you mention co-dependence. Definitely a prevalent issue in society, yet so taboo.

For all the fortunate reasons you list above, please know how grateful I am. I have been given a lot in life and in my opinion, I have no choice but to give a lot back…and I will do my best.

Blessings,

Dawn

You are correct; we have never met….

I had just seen the movie “WONDERLAND” and was fairly disturbed by the content and most of the cast of characters.

When trying to process something, I write.

The above poem was written while the credits of the DVD rolled, and by the time the credits ended, the poem was completed. Or better stated, my reason for writing it was achieved – which was to find the redeeming value in the movie.

I discovered that the redeeming value in “WONDERLAND” for me is the love that remains between Sharon and you. I thought that you might like reading the poem so off to Google I went, hence its submission to your Blog.

I have spent the rest of today scouring the Internet for, as Paul Harvey would say: “The rest of the story.”

I was able to find bits-and-pieces here and there, mainly the article/story written by Mike Sager for Rolling Stone magazine, entitled: “The Devil and John Holmes.” I knew while writing the poem that there was so much more to the events than what the movie had time to reveal and that I was taking a minimalists view of the events.

I will be looking forward to the publishing of your forthcoming book, “The Road Through Wonderland” (it would behoove your publisher to leave that title intact).

I do believe that after your book is published it will be an inspiration for many who are suffering with addiction, codependence, or living under a Svengali’s spell.

You are a very fortunate woman indeed: for surviving and escaping the lifestyle that held you captive, to have arrived at peace with the traumas, to have the love of a husband, a daughter, family members and friends – especially Sharon – and to be in a position to inspire others to depart from unhealthy situations and to chose life over a living hell…

Well-done Dawn!

With respect for what you have accomplished with your life,

John Richard Hall

I don’t know you, but wish to thank you for your poetic perspective of Sharon, John and me. Through the ashs…so to speak.

A warm thank you.

Dawn

Wonder – at the miracle of a love in which to – Land

(by John Richard Hall for Dawn Schiller)

Dawn of innocence surrendered for love

Then held hostage

Darkness an hour past noon

Stranded, alone, surrounded by corruption

Came a saving grace

But the thief was wise and reclaimed the prize

Much to the Samaritan’s surprise

Two embarked upon a road to one’s demise

The highway to hell

Littered with broken hearts, dreams, and shattered souls

Which linger like haunted echoes of church bells

That will forever ring for the four on the floor

Trapped by questions, especially WHY?

Unable to answer, she chose to continue to try

To regain the virtue, the purity of her first love

That ended in vain

With one final act of devotion, she tried to spare his life

The chance to confront the demons was manipulated

Escaping the gallows, he again danced with devils

The last tango

Rebuked by everyone, except for one court jester, the king died alone

Leaving two to travel beyond the kingdom of doom

Like a vicious vagrant, remnants of pain still loiter

But strength reigns supreme in the love of two women

Continuing on as mother and daughter

Who marvel at the “wonder” of a love in which to “land.”

Gosh, the first thing I could think of when reading your post, besides the sense of pain you were going through, is that blessings come in the strangest ways and as sad as this situation is to you at the moment, there is alot of hope. First, I see that your daughter is three years old, and yes children are very, very perceptive, BUT they are also very, very teachable. You have much, much more power than you seem to know. It is you who she is looking towards for guidance, and it is how you deal with things in life that will teach her her coping skills. You don’t want your daughter to feel the pain and sadness you do with regard to her father, I understand that, and in my experience the only way to not pass pain along is to deal with it in myself. Children learn from example. They watch us. And as a mother, I always have to ask myself in a painful situation, what can I do to get better? That is what my daughter sees and learns. Not how to change what life doles out, but how to cope and get through bad stiutations without being dragged down. Life will come at all of us on it’s own terms. This means it will bring good and bad alike. You cannot change people, you can hope they get better and step away and keep yourself and your daughter safe. This is what your daughter will learn from you. How you deal with life! Nobody is perfect and sometimes as a mother I feel the need to shield my daughter from all the pain in the world, but this is impossible and if I am having a hard time with a certain situation, I ask myself what is it that I can do for me to get better…and then I do it. I know that my daughter is watching me and learning what to do if she ever feels bad and has a hard time. I am teaching her how to be well by taking good care of myself. Children watch what you do, they are smart, and they learn. Teach her the tools to empower her in life and find healing in the unfairness in the world. This way you are empowered too. Find courage and you will find blessings.

Peace and blessings,

Dawn

Love, Nicole

Love Nicole

Lesley