Let’s Talk About Drugs
I had promised to post a topic on drugs a few days ago, but in actuality I had already created it last month when this site began because this is a topic that should not be overlooked. The reason being, for me, drugs were so horribly devastating and their nature so cruelly incidious, that in order to overcome my past I had to face the issue of drugs and not sweep them under the rug as I was so tempted to do. In my life, there were long term effects with no easy short term answers.
At age fifteen, when I met John, I had already smoked pot and in fact pot was a medium that John used to get closer to me. Once our relationship was established, I was not allowed to smoke pot anymore, except on those occassions when he brought it home and we actually did go through a period of not smoking anything at all. At that time drugs were not important to me. What was important, I thought, was that I felt as though I was in love with John and John was (possessively), in love with me. The drugs came back into my life when John brought them in and in the end he brought not only pot, but cocaine and freebase, and he brought them in with a vengence.
I can’t deny the effects cocaine and freebase had on my system. I was emaciated and many times craved it to take away the pain that my reality had become. Eventually, after getting away from John, I rejected any kind of drug in my life blaming them for every horrible thing that he ever did to me. But there was still alcohol…and depression…and fear…and insecurity. Those crippling elements that remained behind and took me years to filter through.
Today I am clean AND sober and I have been for many years. I also have had years of counseling. The issues of depression, shame, guilt, remorse and post traumatic stress syndrome were so severe that the only true relief for me was to muster the courage to confront my past and my pain, clearing the road to learn and grow. It is what has worked for me.
I will never underestimate the damage that drugs can create in a person’s life. In writing my book, it was of the uttmost importance for me to honestly detail the path, the seemingly harmless road, that drugs lured us down. My story unfolds in the late seventies and early eighties. No one really knew how high a price we would all have to pay back then. It is my understanding that Cocaine Anonymous wasn’t even established until 1981, the year of the Wonderland Murders. Today, as a survior, I find myself in the obvious role of passing down my story, perhaps offering a more educated view of the truth behind the seduction of drugs.
Take care of yourselves. Value yours and other’s lives. We are all worth it and for those times that it may not seem like it, remember life has much more to offer than any drug can supply.
Blessings,
Dawn
October 21st, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Hi Dawn,
I am so stunned by all te comments youve posted, and so grateful you’re williing to share. I was woner what you thought of the movie “WONDERLAND”? How close is it to your past life? I’d really appreciate your answers, I’m working on a story about the wonderland murders and would love to read or hear any of your stories.
October 22nd, 2004 at 11:31 am
Hi Alyssa,
Great! What kind of story are you doing? Is it about the police case?
Anyway, since your question is in general…then I will answer, that for the most part, it was very accurate. But the story is about the murders, and my relationship with John was so complicated and had already been going strong for more than five years before the murders, that it was difficult to convey the depth of emotion and chaos that John and I were experiencing at the time.
If you scan some of the comments throughout this web log, you might be able to find some more detailed answers for your research.
Good Luck and please feel free to share some of your writing with us.
Thanks,
Dawn
October 22nd, 2004 at 12:08 pm
Dawn,
I am curious as to what the title of your book is and to when it will be available. I can’t wait to read it. Hopefully it will fill in a lot of the missing pieces for me.
Thanks,
Misty
October 22nd, 2004 at 4:16 pm
Misty, you can find the information you are wanting about the book under the category “The Book” located in the right column. Be sure to read the comments because some of the info is within the comments.
November 11th, 2004 at 8:57 pm
Drugs and alcohol have always scared the hell out of me. Although I have smoked maybe 3 joints a year with friends–cocaine, crack cocaine (which I understand is instantly addictive), and all the other stuff is something I’ve never even been curious about. Alcohol is the same way. I have always had this ability to see my future and realize what the consequences of addiction can be and how incredibly hard it is to overcome them. Besides, I’ve got enough to worry about in life. I’m very happy for you, Dawn, and others who have been able to win the battles (you deserve medals!), and feel very sorry for those who have lost.
November 13th, 2004 at 7:41 pm
Dawn I am proud of anyone who gets out of a life like that but it is hard I know but I have so much respect for the people out there telling people about there past so everyone can learn off of it and try not to make the same mistakes that is where the movieand bool can reach out to people
November 15th, 2004 at 11:01 pm
Having read your comments about your drug use it is very inspiring to see how you took all the negative and made positive changes. I have had many friends go down the road of addiction. Some make it, some unfortunately don’t. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on something that can be so devestating, and showing that it can be okay, even a learning experience.
November 17th, 2004 at 12:03 am
Dawn, I really liked what you had to say regarding the effects of drug addiction. I have walked down that road many times myself and have six months of recovery under my belt. The words that you wrote above are very inspirational and true - our lives are extremely valuable and each day is a gift! Those of us who have walked (or in some cases run) the roads of drug abuse and come out alive are truly the lucky ones and all we can do is pass down what we’ve learned in the process of active addiction.
Like you, I went thru the gamut of emotions: depression, guilt, shame and remorse. As weird as this sounds, I wouldn’t trade those emotions for anything! Add those in with happiness, contentment and freedom from using have made me who I am today - a grateful, recovering addict!
Thank you so much for sharing your story!!
God bless,
Laura J.
November 23rd, 2004 at 3:44 am
What kind of feeling did you get from Coke? Because I recently got involved with coke and freebasing it. but I didn’t go looking for it, it came to me, and now I fear that I can’t fight it. It’s a on going battle with my mind, I keep telling myself that I don’t need it, and how bad it makes me feel afterwards. But everywhere I go it’s there! it’s at work and friend’s houses, everytime I have money I feel like blowing 40$ just to get a gram. then I wonder where did it all go. What can I do for help? I’m losing 3-5 lb every 3-4 day’s.
November 24th, 2004 at 12:05 am
Sarah,
Any feeling I ever got from coke is nothing but a vague memory of my fooling myself that it was good. If I felt anything, it was an escape to try and forget the pain that my life had become. Like you described, in my situation with John there was no getting away from it. John was in control of my every waking moment and in the end, drugs were in every waking moment of John’s life. In my case there was no escape until I left John.
I hope for your sake you run, do not walk, from any and all influences that are leading you towards drugs. Look for support from non-users, people who have managed to stay clean for awhile, AND safe professionals to help guide you. Give yourself time to feel better when you do stop — in other words be easy on yourself. Say thank you for the little things and have faith that they will grow to be bigger as time goes by. Listen to the comments above about how SERIOUS this life threatening issue is. Don’t risk yourself!
I like what Linda says above, how she wouldn’t trade any of her emotions today for anything. Neither would I. Life is about emotions and experiencing all of them. “for without pain, we would know no joy!” Don’t let drugs rob you of this gift. Balance is the key and you CAN stop. Talk to someone.
My Best to you,
Dawn
December 15th, 2004 at 10:02 am
On the topic of drugs, I would have to STRONGLY recommend a book titled, Go Ask Alice. I do not recall the author’s name, sorry about that. However, I read this book about eight to ten years ago and it still stands out in my mind as a very tragic and unfortunate look into one young woman’s descent into drugs. It will make you reconsider any drug use that may be occuring in your life and make you want to get out of it before it gets any worse. My parents were hippies, the believed in freeing ones’ spirit and all that came with it back in the 60s but with all that we know today about drugs and the effects it has - I saw do not even go there! Try Yoga or volunteering, much more rewarding and you will meet some amazing people.
December 19th, 2004 at 1:47 am
Hey Dawn. I’ve seen Wonderland, and have had brief glimpse of how drugs have affected your life. I’m sure that the movie barely scratched the surface.
I have also experimented with drugs. I’ve tried just about every one that I can think of. I’ve always felt that I was a strong person, and that I would never be addicted to a drug to the point that I need it, or that I would put it above anything important in my life.
Even with hard drugs like cocaine. I’ve used cocaine every day for periods up to a couple months, and in the end I never needed it and when I got sick of it, I stopped. I stopped immediately and cold turkey.
Now, however, I’ve found a drug that scares me. I do it everyday. Multiple times a day. And the problem is, I don’t think that I’m ever going to come to that point where I get sick of it. The drug is heroin. It almost ashames me to say that. But some part of me wont let me be ashamed of who I am and the choices I make, which almost makes quitting a bigger impossibility.
Another big problem, is that it inspires me. It’s like my muse. I’m in college now, and I’ve found that if I’m doing homework and I can’t figure it out, if I sniff a line of heroin somehow it opens my mind up enough to squeeze the answer out. I know this may sound rediculous, but this is my perception.
I know that I have to stop at some point, and I know how bad it is for me. Stories like yours help me realize this, unfortunately, they also inspire me to do more. The movie, for example, is a horrific story. But damn, it looks like it was sooo much fun. Maybe I’m a sick person, maybe I have some sort of mental problem. I don’t know. But if there is any advice that you can give me that would inspire me to stop, I would be extremely appreciative. I know this is a very general request, but I think that some subconscious part of me is crying for help. I’m just looking for something to make the rest of me realize it. Thank you for any help you may offer.
–Jon
December 19th, 2004 at 1:47 pm
Hey Jon,
Even though I am having computer problems right now, I feel compeled to respond to you. First, I have to clearly say that I don’t give advice. I can’t. I’m not a counselor or anyone else licensed to pass along direct guidelines for life. Who I am though, is someone who has been there and gotten through a hard past with drugs and I am more than happy to share my experience and thoughts.
I want to shout out to you how much DANGER you are in. You sound as if you already realize this, and if you just look at your own post, you can easliy see how torn you are between moments of clear reality and the decietful nature of addiction. In the movie Wonderland, it does show the party…the sense of fun, BUT, MOST IMPORTANTLY, it also shows that that “fun” was a fleeting lie with deadly results. It was a false sense of ego that lured them into making some of the biggest mistakes of their lives. In my opinion, getting their heads bashed in was beyond tragic. These people had mothers and fathers who loved them at one point. They had the potential to be great — if they only saw themselves another way.
Drugs and the need for them, creeps up on you. You think you have control one day and in a split second you find yourself doing anything and everything just to score, all the while trying to convince yourself that you have control. You said you know you have to stop at some point. LISTEN to yourself. Seek out those people that have been in your shoes and have found a solution to stay away from drugs. I would avoid people that are in the midst of drugs. Read some of the posts on this site. There is no shame in reaching out for help. If you are on campus, talk to an advisor or another trusted person about where you can find support. As much as we want to believe we are unique in our pain, there are many others out there who are in a similar situation and sharing our experiences can help.
Finally, I want to say this…you are smarter, faster, wiser and greater without drugs, then you can EVER be with them. Even if you don’t believe this now, don’t cheat yourself, find out how much you truly have to offer. You will be amazed.
Many blessings to you.
Dawn
December 19th, 2004 at 6:54 pm
Dawn,
Thank you for responding, and for responding so quickly. I’m sure that you are a very busy woman, and that responding to a post on your website is probably at the bottom of your priorities.
I want to let you know that I am going to make a genuine attempt to stop. It’s a little hard to ask for help when my girlfriend (who is the love of my life and who I hope to marry someday) lives with me and would end our relationship immediately if she found out that I did this still. But you are right, I am in danger. It’s funny how you do a drug for a while and it fools you into thinking your safe. I do realize also that if I die, then there is absolutely no chance of keeping the relationship. It will take me a little while to work up the courage to ask someone for help, especially since I’m so ashamed of it. But since you made the extordinary effort to help me, I promise you that I will give my all to stop.
Once again I want to thank you. You are truly a loving, kind, and generous person. To help someone thousands of miles away that you have never met and don’t know anything about is divine. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I hope that people in similar situations as me, somehow through the grace of God, cross paths with you.
Eternally Grateful,
Jon
December 19th, 2004 at 9:46 pm
Hey Jon,
My best to you. Finding the courage at first is quite a feat, but not impossible. Stay open, stay willing and say a prayer for help…the right opportunity will come…and when it does, don’t think to much, just take that step into the unknown of who you really are. It may seem dark and scary at first, but if you remain vigil, you WILL walk through it, into the light. There you can let life be your greatest muse.
Courage and Love,
Dawn
January 1st, 2005 at 4:20 pm
Hi Dawn, this is just a quick email from merry ol’ England enquiring when your book is due out? I’m very sorry if you’ve answered this question in loads of other postings but it’s 23.15, I’m v. tired and I’ve just finished watching Wonderland (marvelous and distrubing by the way!) and as I was reading the blurb at the end of the film I just thought how much I would love to read your up and coming book. I can’t imagine what you went through but if you are willing to share it then I am willing to listen (or read in this case).
Thanks and happy New Year!
Darren
January 6th, 2005 at 1:26 pm
Dawn,
I am not to sure what to say except that I have a lot of respect for you. I, myself have never done drugs in any way, but the story was a little different for my parents. While they didn’t do them after my birth, they were both big into this scene during the 60’s & 70’s. My parents were open/honest enough to let me know of thier experiences while I was a child, and to give me the freedom to make my own decisions based on what I found to be right/wrong. Because of this, I made the decision not to try anything, despite my being around it all the time with friends. I do have experiences in this world though, and I know what it can do to people, and how it grasps you and doesn’t let go. This is where my great respect comes from.
As for the movie- Amazing! While it was tragic and sad, I find the whole story and lives there-in very interesting. I am very curious as to how the people in the movie felt during the period and events in the movie. What they were thinking and experiencing. It’s all very surreal to me for some reason, but VERY interesting. I also can’t wait for your book to com out because I will be one of the first to read it.
I do have 3 questions for you, that I hope you will be able to respond to…
I am curious how the events at Wonderland effected you personally at that point in your life, as well as how they are effecting you now? I am more or less wondering if the those murders had a numbing effect on you, or if at that time you were to young to really understand/feel the scale/reality of what had happened, as well as how those same feelings are today.
Also, I wondered how it effected your perception of John at the time? Did you feel the same toward and around him? Did it make you scared of him? Were you uncomfortable around him? Did you think less of him? Just in general, how did you feel toward him…?
Lastly… In the movie, John goes to visit Sharon just after the murders. He is covered in blood and in shock. I also read this is true somewhere else. I would like to know from someone personally involved if this is true, and if it was as if showed in the movie (i.e., him covered in blood and more/less in shock).
Thanks for any response you are able to give, and aain, know that you have my respect in every way and I am very happy to learn that you have made the best of a horrible situation and moved on to have a loving family. That, and the fact that you would overcome the pain of the memories and share them to help others is simply inspiring. It lets me know that I am raising me (now) 2 year old son in a world that still has a few people with a good heart…
-Dylan
January 8th, 2005 at 10:22 pm
Hi Dylan,
Thanks so much for your comment. I actually had a very long response all typed up and for some reason it went lost. But here we go again.
You know, I don’t think I was too young to realize how much of a dangerous situation I was in and when those people were murdered I was scared out of my mind. The police made sure we all took it very seriously of course. In those times, with John all drugged out and abusive, I was living the life of a girl trapped in fear by a controling maniac. That is what he turned into when he was on drugs and I suffered alot at his hands.
So, for your second question…I was very afraid of John…but it was a strange thing…after the murders we were in custody and John had no drugs. He calmed down and his story to me at the time was that he was the victim of Eddie Nash. So, he got nicer cause he needed me and Sharon to be with him if he was going to cooperate with the police. I unfortunately, believed him and ended up being dragged into even more dangerous situations. In this respect, I was too young and having been with him since I was fifteen, he knew exactly how to win me, especially when he stopped taking drugs. The truth though, is that I grew up in spite of him and in the end it is what helped me get away from him.
As for the third question. Yes. It is almost to a tee, how it happend with Sharon. You have to know Sharon…she doesn’t mess around when she says something and what people don’t know perhaps, is that she is a very articulate, highly esteemed and talented professional who has been able to verify her experience with the police.
Anyway, I hope this can vaguely answer some of your thoughts. I commend you in your dedication to your son. Aren’t children amazing! I try to tell my daughter that I adore her at least once a day and I am very happy to hear your reaction to your parent’s decision to be honest about their pasts. It gives me great hope that I am doing the right thing with my daughter. It is simply that I love and respect her too much to hide anything or lie. Of course I don’t intend to hurt her with any information, just let her know it happened and that I almost didn’t make it. I suspect your parents love and repect you in the same way. How wonderful.
Blessings,
Dawn
January 8th, 2005 at 10:30 pm
Hi Darren from Merry ole England,
Thanks for your interest. The working title of the book is “The Road Through Wonderland” and I am hoping to have my re-writes done in time to have the book out by the end of this year early Spring next. Hope you can wait that long. Sorry.
Dawn
January 12th, 2005 at 5:01 am
Hello,
First off thankyou for sharing your story it is truelly touching and amazing that you have been able to take such a trumatic time in your life, and do only good things with it. I am so deeply touched by your bravery, as i at the age of 14-17 met one of the most amazing people i have ever meet, i spent ever minute with her, truelly happy, until she turned to drugs for no other reason than peer presure, i did not, and over the next few years she fell into its grasp. I done everything i could to help the one i truelly loved, but it was to late, and i eventually lost the only one i had ever loved, but the difference is you have been able to turn your experience into something good, i still have yet to sort out myself after this time, but with your inspiration i have continued and have now found someone i am happy with, and am starting to leave the past behind, i am also trying to write my memorys, it has helped hugely with the process. I owe it all to your actions and inspirations and am truelly gratefull, thankyou xxxx
February 13th, 2005 at 9:28 pm
Hay Dawn, read threw your site. This drug violence hit home to me when my uncal was shot by my house reading your site made me feel a bit better anyway take care of yourself.
Matt
March 3rd, 2005 at 10:33 pm
Hey,
GLad to see you are doing well. I myself played at Club Hollywood and knew some of the same people. I too had to change my life. It is possible to stop the craziness.
Dee
March 24th, 2005 at 1:08 pm
Dawn,
My 15 year old is experimenting with pot and has already gotten so drunk once, I had to keep an eye on her in case she had to be hospitalized. She is following in my footsteps…which is not a good path to take. I left that all behind by age 19…but she only sees that I did it so she thinks that she can too. I explained to her my reasons for living that way were to mask the pain from being abused as a child, and if that hadn’t happened I probably would have never thought of living that lifestyle but she won’t listen. So my question to you is should she watch Wonderland with me or is it not the right time to show her this. She will be 16 in the fall.
Thank you for your time.
Laurel
March 24th, 2005 at 10:37 pm
Hi Laurel,
Gosh, my heart goes out to you. One of my greatest concerns are that my daughter will repeat some of my past mistakes. I also believe , like you do, that it is important to always let her know that her childhood is much better than mine was. My gut instinct says that honesty is the best way to broach my past with her, but I also know that, as much as it scares me, she will have to process her own feelings about it all. I believe and stress to her even at this young age, that she is her own unique person and worth all the good that life has to offer.
As far as watching Wonderland with her - I can tell you that everyone involved considers the film to be one of the strongest cautionary tales out there today. The director, James Cox, envisioned it this way and is proud of the film in this regard. But I should also let you know that I know of a percentage of people who do feel that the party scenes are glamorized and so you might send the opposite message to your daughter. I’m sorry, I wish I had an easy answer for you.
I can imagine how scared you must be right now and I guess the only other words I can share with you are to talk to other Moms, ask a professional for help and most importantly, trust your own instincts. Please stay in touch if you want to and know that I hope and pray it all works out for you and your daughter.
Many blessings to you,
Dawn
March 28th, 2005 at 2:16 pm
Laurel,
I have a 15 year old and I let her watch it. People may say it glamourizes drugs but for kids of this generation, they can’t relate to these “old” (!!!) addicts they see in this movie. I don’t think she would relate too well to this movie for that reason, it was a completely different time. You know how old they think we are!! LOL! Now, if Eminem or 50 Cent were in the movie, I would have a totally different opinion but I don’ think she will find too much in these actors to relate to.
March 31st, 2005 at 5:42 pm
Hello Dawn and everyone. I just wanted to add that when people think about drugs, it’s about the more “hard core” stuff like cocaine, heroin, etc. However, I live in Florida and there is a rising number of people that I know myself that are addicted to prescription pain killers like Vicodin (hydrocodone). This is a narcotic so obviously is very addictive. I was prescribed this drug a couple of years ago when I broke my arm and I have had to hardest time getting off of it. Come to find out there are like five people that I work with that have the same problem. It is really sad and I just want people to be aware of how addictive this drug really is. Like the guy Jon was saying about his heroin helping him do better in school, vicodin helped me feel better at work therefore I did better and ended up getting a promotion only one month after I began working for the company. I know that may sound good but it has been terrible. I have always considered myself a “good girl”, I hardly drink at all, I smoked pot maybe once or twice, but this drug that was prescribed to me for medical reasons has really taken a hold on my life. I just wanted people to be aware of this. thanks
April 4th, 2005 at 4:56 pm
MOVIE WAS GOOD I THOUGHT THE PARTS WERE PLAYED WELL AND THE CHARACTER STRUGGLES VERY REAL AND SADENING ITS NICE TO SEE THAT SOMEONE WHO HAS GONE THRU ALL THAT CAN COME OUT A BETTER PERSON RATHER THEN WORSE LIKE IN MOST OCCASIONS WITH PEOPLE
April 10th, 2005 at 12:05 am
Hi Dawn,
I was just wondering if you could answer a question. In one of the opening scenes of Wonderland, you and John are in Sally’s bathroom and snorting cocaine. Did you guys really do that at her house? Or where did he show you that big bag of cocaine? Also its great that you got away, im sorry that you had to go through such a situation, but you have been gifted with knowledge to help others. Keep it up!
May 8th, 2005 at 12:07 pm
Hi Dawn, before I go on, I need to tell you how much I respect you. You are doing alot of good for alot of people, and I appreciate all you do. I’ve also watched wonderland approximately 30 times, so to say I’m a fan would be an understatement. lol.
I’m 38, from canada, single mom of 3 girls. active addict (drugs and booze) since 13. In recovery now about a year or so. Hepatitis C/cirrhosis. Not in good health, but clean and sober thank God.
I too have been through it all. Beat on a daily basis from 16 to 20, sexually assaulted too many times to count. Almost all of these things happened while on drugs, around drugs, or by others on drugs.
I’ve lost my spirit, I’ve lost me because of drugs. I should have been dead many times and actually did die once,but someone brought me back. Although I’m clean and sober, I am still lost. Some call me “spiritually lost”, I guess that makes sense.
I tend to live in the past too much, and letting go of the guilt is the hardest thing to do. It’s unbelievable the hurtful things we will do to the ones who love us the most, just to get more drugs isn’t it?
I am trying though, to make my life a happier one. When I’m happy, I can make my daughters happy and that is very important.
My eldest has severe learning disabilties from my injecting cocaine 24/7 while pregnant, and one of my twins has bipolar like me (although I realize I can’t blame myself for that). I did not use anything while pregnant with the twins.
For those who have not used drugs, I am happy that you haven’t, and I pray you never try them. I would not wish this hell on anyone, not even my worst enemy or the abusers from my past.
Thank you Dawn for being here, and know that you are an inspiration to many. Love, victoria
May 8th, 2005 at 12:51 pm
Hi Victoria,
Congratulations! A year plus is a big deal! I will tell you, what I always tell people and what I just told someone last night….it just keeps getting better and no matter how bad the sober day, they are nothing compared to a bad day loaded. I hope for you, your spirit becomes more apparent to you, because I certainly sensed allot of it coming from your post. To me your spirit is there, you are only new at learning to speak its language and communicate with it. Give yourself time and be easy on yourself. You are worth it. Counseling really worked for me too. Just a thought. It is tough, but so very worth it. I found that I needed it, and working on all of the “junk” left behind from drugs and abuse was the best for me.
Hang in there.
Blessings,
Dawn
May 9th, 2005 at 10:18 pm
Victoria, You are on the right track hang in there!!!!! I too have the Hep C I have had it for about 10 years and try to just live my life the best I can. I just now got medical help through the county and will be seeking help in that area. It took a long time for me to break away from the drugs I thought with out them I was lost but it was really the other way around. I have wanted to bring up the subject of Hep C on this site for a long time now but just did not know how to go about doing it. You have opened that door for me I know there are others who are in the same boat. As I learn more and seek treatment I will share what is going on with me good and bad. I suffer from depression and insomnia also and the latest is anxiety attacks bad ones I couldn’t even go to work one day it was so bad. I feel like a lot of these emotional and mental “issues” I have area result of the abuse of drugs I did to my self. Dawn is 100% correct in the advice about therapy it was the best thing for me; I found it was a lot easier to open up and pour it all out to a stranger who was not going to pass judgment on me. If you feel like you are not ready to face it one on one get a notebook and just write, that is another thing I did. I journal-ed for over 2 years I have now closed that chapter in my life and threw all my notebooks in the trash that was part of the closure for me. You are not alone and the more sober you stay the easier it gets. Everyone is different you just have to find what works best for you and you will know it when you find it because you feel it in your spirit. Your spirit is not lost it is just guiding you in the direction you need to go now. I admire Dawn so much she is a strong woman and has taken all the bad and is using it to to good now. I come to her site on a daily basis it is therapeutic for me and inspires me to keep giving back to others. I hope to one day meet Dawn and just give her a Great Big Hug the kind I give to my son when I tell him I am squeezing all the love I have into him. When I found her site I was on the verge of slipping back to the “old” ways. It has been one of the main things that has kept me from loosing all the years of being sober. You hang in there Victoria and if you feel like that “Monkey” is coming back just reach out for help. You will win!! Marie
May 15th, 2005 at 3:01 pm
Hi Marie,
Just want to tell you how wonderful your spirit shines on this site with your compassionate comments to others. You are amazing.
Dawn
May 19th, 2005 at 4:22 pm
Hi Marie, and thank you so much for responding. As far as the HepC goes, the latest (and best one for me) treatment failed, so I’m still waiting for something new to come up. I won’t hold my breath! lol.
I have always been upfront and open about my disease’s and to be honest I really don’t care about those who look down on me. Well, maybe I do..it depends. I am mostly saddened when I meet a good man and we hit it off, but the minute they hear about my past, and present, they run like the wind. Education is key, and most ppl are very ignorant on these subjects.
Luckily, I’ve never gotten HIV or AIDS, like Mr. Holmes did, however the way I am treated sometimes, you would think I did have it.
As far as therapy goes, yes, I know I need it, I’ve always known. Unfortunately, I always quit and run the minute a therapist gets “too deep”. I just don’t want to have to relive those details.
My first experience with violence was with a b/f who beat me for 4 yrs, broken ribs, etc..the broken spirit was the worst part though.
When I was about 18, I was gang-raped by approximately 10 or more men, who, I know for a fact, drugged me first. I was only with my b/f and his friend at the time, getting wasted (of course) and next thing I knew I was paralized and had all these men doing whatever they wanted to do to me. I was fully aware of the entire thing to a point, then I must have blacked out. I woke with a stranger the next morning.
Then I was raped by two bikers, on separated occasions in my early 20’s, again drugs were involved.
Finally on Novemeber 28, 1997, I was violently raped, and would have been killed had I not escaped. He was the only one I charged,and he had 6 rape charges on his rap sheet, I found out later. I was the only girl who followed through though, and he only served about a year and a half in prison. He’s out now. Even though he’s got 66 convictions under his belt, for violent crimes. THANK YOU JUSTICE SYSTEM!!! gimme a break.
Right now, I am hating life. I almost ran off last night, to who knows where, probably would have gotten high if I had of left.
I feel the need to escape myself lately, but I have been stopping myself from doing so, by way of thinking about my daughters. I know leaning on them won’t last forever though. I just really hate living sometimes, many times. And yet, I still sit here like an idiot waiting for help to come to me instead of me getting up off my ass and helping myself. I realize it’s the depression that’s doing this though.
Dawn, thank you for your reply. I can only say thank you, you are wonderful.
I just watched wonderland again today. Sometimes I wonder if watching this so many times, makes me want to relive my past.
What I mean is that sometimes when I watch it, I only tend to see the “fun, getting high” parts in it, and purposely ignore the bloodshed and shattered lives that a lifestyle like that will do to people.
I guess all us addicts tend to see only what we want to see from time to time right?
I just read a review of the movie on some site called Ruthless Reviews and it mad me really mad. They insulted Kilmer and other actors, etc. Then again, everyone has their own opinions. Sometimes they just go too far I think.
Okay, better go, i”m starting to ramble again! LOL.
Love, Victoria A.
May 19th, 2005 at 10:47 pm
I just realized that I probably should have added the “abuse” part of my post to another section. Maybe I’ll cut and paste that part now to get some feedback from sexual assault survivors. sorry about that, victoria
May 20th, 2005 at 11:02 pm
It is OK to ramble!!!! I watch Wonderland often and I see the fun part of getting “HIGH” but for me that is all I need. Everyone is different the most important thing I hear you saying is that you realize that you need help. That is a major step!!! You are going in the right direction, keep your head up, look in the phone book see if they have a hot-line in your area you might feel better talking and remaining anonymous. I know you say that when you get close it hurts to relive the memories but for me it helped put them to rest. I now think of it as taking out the trash. I do not share with everyone about the Hep C basically for the same fears you have the looks and all. My family knows and a few close friends they are all wonderful and do not pass judgment they know how hard I have worked to get to this point in my life.
Let me share something that made me feel real good and PROUD of myself. I was in the grocery store on Tuesday and ran into someone form my past she was my best friend for over 15 years (or should I say best friend to get “HIGH” with) Well she is still “HIGH” and still living in the lie I didn’t even recognize her she looked bad and talked so different I couldn’t believe I was like that. After I got sober I realized that she never really was my friend we both just used each other and as much as I would like to try to help her she would rob me blind before or if she ever got sober. I was polite and held onto my purse and gave her a fake phone number when she asked for it. I felt bad and ashamed but I know her, I know her inside and out she was even lying to me in the store. Now as mean as it sounds it made me feel so good and proud of myself for being able to get away from all of that. This woman was someone I loved with all of my heart I said a prayer for her that night and will continue to pray for her. I just could not bring her around my family now my husband and son not to mention she was on the pipe real bad and borrowed several hundred dollars from my Grandmother behind my back that caused problems with me and my family. I have worked hard to repair those relationships and reaching out to help her would destroy all trust and faith I have gained back. It was a hard decision I had not seen her in 7 years and part of me wanted old times back but I knew in my heart those were gone. I guess everything happens for a reason maybe her seeing me might be just what she needs. I wish you and all who struggle with these demons the best of luck and hang in there it is tough but so worth it.
May 26th, 2005 at 3:35 pm
I saw a friend of mine the other day, who I haven’t seen in a long time, his visit was short but very hard on the stomach. He is an addict who doesn’t know he is, but it’s very obvious to everyone around him. I feel so guilty for not answering his calls for a while, but his personality has gone somewhere, replaced with so many unbelievable lies, and his temper is out of control. I fear he is on his way to jail, but at the same time I hope he goes and cleans up. I felt so helpless and speechless when I saw him 80lbs smaller from a medium build. I want to be honest with him, and tell him he needs help, but I’m scared he will lose his temper, I fear all calm and collectedness is lost. I honestly don’t know if he would recognise a friend if he saw one. Could you please say a prayer for him? He’s now living in a harsh, tortured world, and I can’t watch.
August 8th, 2005 at 11:33 pm
Hello Dawn, my name is Ralph am 26 and just found your website..My question is did John really have a1500 dollar a day coke habit or is this exaggerated. Wow you;ve been clean for 15 years thats very inspiring to me ive been struggling with addiction for 7 years
October 18th, 2005 at 7:42 am
Hello Victoria, I read your story, it made me cry, I feel your pain, and can relate to many of the things that happened to you, I too have twins, I have 4 boys, the last 2, are twins. I too recently had been feeling like running away, finding that H to give that buffer between me and life. My life is good, that is the problem, it the sense that I have a husband, a beautiful home, and 4 children and really wonderful friends. They, as in nobody in my circle knows of the temptations that I have been going through, I thought I was going crazy…………I so wanted to leave and live the way I used to before I met my husband.I never used while I was pregnant, or after I met my husband, Ilived the life like they did in “Wonderland” the same kind of men and drugs, and some very ” mean people. I have not told anyone this, ever, not even my husband, I was going with a guy, a bad-ass guy from the rival gang of the Hell’s Angels’ , the Outlaws, I am from Canada, I met him him while visiting Niagra falls, and the St. Catherines area. I now live in Quebec, in a small town, we just moved here a while ago from Montreal. Some bad things happened to me as well, you can most likely guess, the kind of things that are often associated with drugs.For the longest time, I really felt, and still do at times, to go back there, I often miss the that haze, the partying, and so on. I have to be grateful for what I have, I have my kids to think of, i think if I did not have them, I would have been gone a long time ago. It’s like being pulled in 2 directions, the battling of the demons is very strong, it is one day at a time, perhaps it always will be, I have talked to many wonderful people from this site, they have helped, the one thing I see here is the consistency, is that drugs, and the lifestyle that goes along with it, is nothing but shortening one’s life, ruining other’s, and there is no glamour like we see in the movies, there are alot of films that tend to do that, lol, if life were only like that in reality. I think Dawn is the perfect example of that life, it was not a bed of roses, perhaps there were good times, but as always, in the end, that life can kill you. I have not reached that in the spiritual sense, I hope one day I will, so I can pass my story onto other’s and perhaps be of help. Your suffering , the emotional side, will pass, it is hard to grasp, even for me, but we are stronger than we think, we have to have faith, anykind of faith, and fight our demons that torture ourselves, my God, it is so hard, I know, Dawn survived, a long road, but she did it, if she can, so can other’s. Her words , are words of wisdom, I often go back and read many of her words, to help me get by …..I am 40, and still long for the past, in which I spend too much time in, Blessyou, feel free to write me, anytime, my private email is 4crl@videotron.ca, I would love to hear from you, and how you are doing.I am having surgery tomorrow, but I will be home the same day, i hope to be able to email, or even get downstairs to the pc, if not it will take just a few days. Christi
January 15th, 2006 at 3:52 am
Hey Dawn. First of all, ive seen this movie more than ten times. reasons being It took me a bunch of times to completly get everything with the whole jumping back and forward in time. Then today I watched it again with my girlfriend…. and then it really hit me that this ACTUALLY happened… its not just a movie… I mean i always knew it was a true story.. but it never really clicked in until now. I still don’t really know how the murders really went down… i wasent there.. nobody was expect nash’s buddies and most likly john. Being a junkie myself.. I don’t touch coke, or speed or any kind of upper. they make me feel like dying. I think that kind of shit can really turn a person into a fucking low-life really quick. I just have a bias against coke heads… I’m more into shooting H,morphine,oxycondone..well any opiate i can get my hands on I guess. I guess im alot like david lind. he seemed to be against coke. i dont know if that guy was really a scumbag or not. Ive always known heroin addicts to be more mellow (unless they can’t get it. Ive never realy seem to see my use mesing up my life… sure im only 19 and ive been shooting since 15, but i still am the same person mostly.. I just sometimes can waste alot of time thinking about how to get another score. I dont know what im asking really.. ive been up for almost 3 days withdrawling from morphine and oxy.. its A FUCKING bitch.. but ill be done in a few days. but id like to know more about david lind.. is he alive? did his heroin use ever fuck him up THAT bad? thats if you even know anything about him at all these days.. sorry for ranting… i just love the movie and it seems to help ease withdrawls when i see other drug addicts going through it… i dunno why. I think your story is amazing and im glad you got out realivily unharmed..
Joel
January 15th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
Joel,
David Lind died in 1995 from a heroin overdose. I’d say that’s a case of F-him up pretty bad. The graveyards are full of people who OD’d on heroin, and now oxycontin too. Stay clean, PLEASE…….
Movie Fan
January 17th, 2006 at 3:56 pm
oxycontin is a very addictive drug i should know i was addicted and it is not an easy drug to come off of. i still have my struggles but i just take it one day at a time. i started going to a methodone clinic to come off oxycontin and now i have been off the methodone for almost three weeks now and this is the hardest thing in the world to get out of your system i think the methodone is harder than the oxycontin especially when you decide to quit cold turkey like me. that is a very dangerous thing to do, i just don’t want to have to depend on any chemical to get out of the bed anymore.
January 17th, 2006 at 3:58 pm
just so everybody knows i never used a needle in my life i am really scared of a needle.
January 18th, 2006 at 9:08 am
Regarding Oxy-contin, 2 yrs ago I had an accident, and was put on Oxy-contin, i was not awsre of the side effects, not alone, the power of this drug, I also was very upset at the Dr. who prescribed it, as I was not fully informed, and that happens often to many, many Dr.’s do not take a look at the longrun of people on this drug.. to get off it , I was also put on Methadone.. I still am on Methadone, though it is a very low dose, I have managed to come down by 10 cc’s/ or Mgs’..I am struggling with being on 7..I really can’t believe how hard is to come off this stuff, I am being monitered, and doing it gradually, and it’s still so difficult, it is harder than the Oxy-contin..I had broke 4 vertabreas..fractured, and the pain was unbearable, in hindsight, I think I would have just dealt with the pain, mind you, I had trouble walking it hurt so bad..that drug should be banned, they have other meds for pain, this one holds onto you like nothing else, the pain got worse, actually, and they said, it was an effect of the drug, called an opiate induced pain, I had never heard of that, but I was seeing a pain specialist, so that is another aspect of the drug which to me is just a catch 22..I am not a doctor, but I do not suggest you or anyone try & go off it by yourself, cold turkey, you can very sick, and the possibilities of having convulsions are quite possible….in todays world , for medical puposes, I don’t believe that anyone has to go cold turkey, there are other ways to help coming off most drugs… of course it’s anyone’s choice, but it is just wretched to do it by oneself., and a little dangerous. I would like to leave my email addy if anyone should like to write… 4crl@videotron.ca
January 18th, 2006 at 11:44 am
you are definitely right about methadone being worse than the oxycontin, i actually started to cut myself down from the methadone before i went cold turkey. i would actually take from 20 to 30 milligrams every other day then i got to where i would go 3 or 4 days without even taking a dose and it really never bothered me until about the 5th day and i started getting chills, my insides were shaking, my back, head, basically every part of my body hurt. i guess where i started weening myself off about 6 or 7 months ago i thought i could quit and it would not bother me but i was wrong. i am over the worse part now and i never want to see that stuff again. i hope nobody else ever has to go through what i went through. my family is very proud of me and that means more to me than anything in the world. i would not suggest that anyone tries to come off methadone cold turkey. thank you very much and i will leave you my email address in case you or anyone else have any questions (fleabegone@yahoo.com) i know it is a funny email address.
January 18th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
I am very PROUD of all of you!!! Keep up the good work!!! I have been there and done it myself and I know it is a log hard road but so, so worth it. Hang in there and stay strong.
Marie
November 8th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
Dawn
I recently found your website and read about your experiences. I am in amazement that you lived thru such things and are alive to help other. Have you ever wonder or thought , that even thou things where terribly bad, why you stayed alive thru all of it and not contracted aids? I believe that God kept you and helped you get to the place that you needed to be to get the help you needed. I am so very happy for you. God bless and continue to keep you
April 9th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Dawn,
I’m not even sure if you still read and respond to this section. I just stumbled upon the movie Wonderland(it’s in my roommates collection). After watching it I decided to indulge the darker side of my curiosity by researching John Holmes, and I ended up discovering this site. You being a woman and once involved in drugs(as I am a woman but currently involved in drugs), I decided to do some research on you. I want to say that I do admire you and the incredible changes you made in your life. I feel like in order to get out of that kind of lifestyle, you have to at some point be able to look at yourself OUTSIDE yourself and see something better. Is that how you were able to get out? I’m not a huge user of cocaine. Once, maybe two times every two weeks(that’s my time frame). I can’t go beyond two weeks. So I don’t use everyday or even every other day. It’s not the usage that scares me at this point, but my DESIRE. My question to you is this: What happened or what did you say to yourself, or what were you able to see/feel/wonder that allowed you to get the help you needed? Where were you mentally?
Thanks for listening…
Rachel