Still Breathing….
Checking in with everyone of you who so faithfully come to read here and let you know I am okay….barely. I have run out of energy. Too many projects, difficult writing and unexpected emotional turmoil lately to find the energy to write a coherent post here. My apologies. I’m keeping the faith though, there is no doubt of that, but it has been a tough few weeks for me. A dear friend offered a wonderful weekend at his ranch in New Mexico last weekend and my daughter and I gratefully accepted. We had our own cottage on the river, beneath the majestic rocks and spent the days meditating and riding horses. It was so wonderful, like stepping into a warm, scented bathtub that washed all troubles away. Hard to come back, but at least now I know I am still breathing…and will continue to….no matter the heart aches, no matter the disappointments, no matter the…..
Be well friends. I will try to do the same.
Blessings,
Dawn
September 9th, 2005 at 3:38 pm
Wheew!! Glad to hear your OK and had a chance to escape from the madness and enjoy life and your family for a while. Good to hear from ya!! Thanks!! Take care!!
Nicole D’Amico
September 9th, 2005 at 8:06 pm
Hi Dawn,
Hope everything is okay?You don’t really sound like yourself?But i know whatever it is you of all people will make it thru.All that you’ve been thru you’ll find a way,you’ve helped me and everyone around me,by making a change in my life.you’ll always find your way.
serena
September 10th, 2005 at 6:04 pm
I’m so happy to see you post its been a long time.
But I have to agree with serena, You don’t really
sound like yourself but I’m sure you will come out
of it just fine.
Stay strong and keep the faith.
kitty
September 12th, 2005 at 5:41 am
I am glad to see that you posted. I know the emotional roller coaster is not easy. I have faith that you know your path and rocky as it may seem, remember the companion wolf walks by your side and the eagle soars above. You have within yourself the ability and strength to carry on. You are loved.
September 12th, 2005 at 1:47 pm
I hope everything is OK!! Be strong and hang in there
God never gives us more then He nows we can handle, we just think we can’t
Faithful Reader,
Marie Trevino
September 14th, 2005 at 9:04 am
Hi Dawn, I guess you could say that I am a new “fan” so to speak, I for the first time have seen the movie Wonderland, and I am trying to find your book. I was truly amazed by the movie, and the life you lead back in those days , in many ways perhaps it felt like a huge haze at times. You were very lucky to have escaped all the crazy shit that was going on , even towards the end, you came out alive, not saying by any means that it was an easy journey.Hope that you are well, I was happy to learn that you got away, started a new life, and had a child, as I have four boys, I know from my own experiences that children can put a new outlook on one’s life. I hope oneday, we can have a chance to email one another, I am filled with questions, I hope to hear more about you, take care, Christi Letourneau.
September 14th, 2005 at 5:14 pm
Hi dawn,
It’s me again.I was just wondering if you had more pictures to add to this site.I’ve seen another of you and john on i beleive it’s hollywood insider,i’m really not sure,but i was curious to know if you had more?
serena
September 16th, 2005 at 12:28 pm
Hi Dawn, I am writing again, hoping to gain insight from onewho has been there, done that. I am 40, I lived a life back in the 80’s [early] similar to what tou have been through., ie: drugs, men, some pretty bad men, situations that were in hindsight scary, but still are deep within my soul. I have a husband, 4 beautiful children, a lovely home all the things most aspire to. There is something inside me that I feel is drawing me towards that life.I almost packed a bag today, and was going to find my old drug buddies, I have this intense desire to have a needle in my arm again, and lead that life once again, some of my friends are well known, some are not. There are days where I do not want to be a mother anymore, I just want to go away, this knawing feeling of being drawn back is scaring me, mid-life crisis….......who knows, the life I led was a party 24-7, I feel like a fraud, perhaps I was not meant to be a mother & wife, my fate is maybe to live that life, we are not all cut out to be, someone whom we are not. I hope you can answer me, I feel as though I am drowning, I have been sitting here at my home listening to Faith Arise, by Terry Reid, all my memories keep flooding back, and pulling me….......Christi 4crl@videotron.ca
September 16th, 2005 at 2:25 pm
Perhaps this challenging time is the means to an unexpected new beginning? My advice would be to listen to yourself, if you feel burnt out or not yourself, maybe you should take a break, stop and breath, do what you need to do to fuel up your own soul, and then go. Sometimes, I think we are meant to just go with the flow, and let someone els take the lead for a bit while your inner spirit takes the needed time off. No one knows best than your own self. Take care!
September 18th, 2005 at 9:38 pm
Hi. Just in from a long weekend out and I’d just like to say thanks for the encouraging words. Also, Christi, please, do you think you can speak to a professional about all the thoughts that seem to be crowding your mind right now. Please, remember, that it is so important to not act out on a bad idea. The consequences can be tremendous and may take a very long time to amend. Consider carefully your actions. Reach out to someone who you can confide in about the drugs and other things that haunt you. Work through them, and take back the gratitude for life.
Be well and blessings,
Dawn
September 19th, 2005 at 7:55 am
Christi You have to fight those feelings we all have them one time or another, I know I have. Maybe because no matter how bad things were we still have some good memories. Just STOP, take a breath and think about how much you have done for yourself, the wonderful life you have made for yourself, a loving husband 4 beautiful children, a good safe stable home. Those things are so great don’t throw them away for something that will either land you in jail or DEAD. That time back then the ‘80’s it was different so much more can happen now bad stuff things like “Wonderland” are an every day occurrence now
!! It is a cold, lonely, ruthless world, the world of drugs and I know that you do not want to go back to it. This feeling, this wanting to go back will pass. Be strong and reach out ask for help it is there if you need it there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about in needing help
Marie Trevino
September 20th, 2005 at 7:07 am
You are right, I am ashamed to ask for help, I suppose that is why I was able to share here, knowing many of you have been there. My world is , i guess you could call it ” the soccer mom ” nobody in my present circle even smokes a cig. I could never see a doctor about, a mom of four, what would they think, I do care about what people think to a certain degree.I thank you Dawn & Marie, but the problem is that these feelings are not going away, there is alot of stress having 4 kids, 2 are twins, I often get to the point where I want to pack my bags, and start a new life. I am hoping that it is a mid-life crisis….what kind of mother, crazy person would want to START doing drugs, and party at 40 yrs of age, it’s not like I’m 20 and want to experiment, I have no idea what’s going on with me, sometimes being a stay at home mom, is not exactly life in the fast lane, far from it, it is very lonely, I go to auctions with friends, have coffee, but I often feel it is mundane, I am so spirited, I want to be doing so many things, I’m not saying a stay at home mom is a bad thing, far from it, but I’ll bet you’ll find other mom’s out there are not fulfilled, and perhaps share some of the memories, wishing they could go back in time, god, I don’t know, but as much as I loved the movie Wonderland, I have to admit , it stirred things up inside, it’s the drugs, that’s a big part of it, but also not having a responsibility to anyone but yourself, maybe that was the attractionas well.I will talk to a good friend, but it does not make the feelings & desires go away.Thank you for responding to me, in my heart I know you all are right, again, thanks, Christi
September 20th, 2005 at 8:02 am
Christi, Please hang in there. Take Dawn’s advice and talk to a professional. Your current feelings will pass. Don’t risk everything over fleeting thoughts. Your children need you. Don’t go back to that world that will rob you of everything good you have accomplished. Take care.
Marc
September 20th, 2005 at 12:39 pm
Good luck to you Dawn and to Christi who posted on this website, PLEASE be strong. I know that everyday family life can be boring as hell, believe me I know. But you have to remember what you are sacrificing if you go down the road from your past that is calling you. Good luck to you.
September 20th, 2005 at 4:39 pm
Hi Marc, I am really trying my best to hang inthere, and not do anything that would hurt my boys, but you have to understand, my marriage has been not that great , to say the least, my husband does not understand any of these feelings, he has never been there, I think he smoked pot once, [didn’t inhale] as well, I don’t think a shrink will really help, it is something i have to resolve myself, have you ever been in that world??? I feel like i am being pulled in two directions at the same time, and the one direction is pulling at me daily. Thanks for thinking about my welfare, and children. Christi If you have been down that road, what is your story ?
September 28th, 2005 at 11:58 am
Dawn, I have a situation that I thought you could kind of relate. My boyfriend of about two years has been making threats to me whenever I mention wanting to move out or leave him. He has never been this way before and I don’t know what is going on. Our relationship has gone down hill due to the fact that he is lazy and doesn’t want to work. This caused such money problems for us that we had to move out of the house we were living in to a smaller place. I am furious with him because of the whole thing. He has told me that he knows where my family lives and that he will call them and tell them things about me that are untrue. I personally believe he is just bluffing and this is just a way to get me to stay longer. He is not physically abusive, it is more verbal and I think it is because he knows if I leave he will have no one to pay the bills obviously. It is causing me major stress and I don’t know what the best thing to do. Do you have any thoughts on this? thanks
October 17th, 2005 at 1:25 am
Dawn,
I just thought I would stop by, as I do once in a while, and see how things are going for you. I am glad that you and your daughter got a bit of a vacation. The ranch sounds fun and it’s nice that he let you stay there. I know it is hard to go home after such a restful time…that is how I always feel coming back from Yellowstone. I wish I could get my daughter away from here for a while. She is picking all the wrong friends and things to do with her free time. She has decided drugs and sex are a fun game to play and she is so out of control. Anyway, It is nice to hear that you are ok…you deserve that. Thanks again for doing all that you do, you are an inspiration!.
Laurel
October 17th, 2005 at 1:39 am
Christi,
I read your letter and I had to comment to you. I am 36 and I spent the 80’s in a haze too. I hung out with bad people, and I am surprised I lived through it all. I was trying to escape my past. At the time it felt like it was working, but it was all an illusion. That life is a lie. I am married with three kids now and believe me…it is not always a picnic. The kids are 16, 8 and 4. There are days that I will admit to you that I have sat and wished that I would just drop dead right on the spot…but later I am glad that wishes don’t come true. I realize that having a family and loving them is on of the best things I will ever do in my life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Love your family and take Dawn’s advice…as others here have also said. I would also add pray often. God will help you…if you ask.
Laurel
October 18th, 2005 at 5:57 am
Hi Laurel, Thank you very much, I am glad to know that people still dp reach out to other’s and share their own experiences. A great deal has happened since I first wrote on this site. I have been in contact with someone very caring from this site who had been very “truthful” to me, and said many things to me that opened my eyes to what I had, and also what I had to lose. I had a chance to do some H when my husband was away, I kept on thinking that if I did it, I could OD, & there was nobody here to help me, and my beautiful children would be in an awful situation, so I declined, and the “scare ” if you will, really made me wake up, as well as when my husband was in Germany for business, we had alot of time to reflect, and our relationship is getting better every day, I have decided to go to one of the churches in town, I am not religious, but I am more spiritual, so maybe I will find a door that is for me, eeh, I hope that did not sound to weird????? It was a really spooky thing that had happened regarding the church…..let me know what you think….. I went to the same church with my friend ( I liked the singing & cofee ) I got to know the ministers wife, as well as many other really nice people, I had not spoke with the miisre’s wife ( maryanne) well, it’s been at least 1 yr, she called 1 wk ago and said something to the effect, ( my hubby took the call, I was not home ) maryanne said that their was bible study, and a group of women that sat around and talked about all kinds of topics together, that call was out of the blue, I did not tell her that I was in terested in going, as I had not talked to her in over a year, as she told my husband that I was interested in going, they have been having these classes forever, so it was strange timing, and when my husband told me, I had shivers go down my spine. I am not having alot of those feelings, I do think it was / is a mid -life thing, as I am 40, and I had read somewhere, as well as 70% of my friends got divorced at 40, or went through some sort of crisis. I do think as well, the kids were really driving me nuts, my twins still want to sleep with me, so I get woken up 3 or 4 times a night, n ot getting any sleep. So, things are looking up, but the battle is not won yet. Everyone tells me that I look 30, 35, well it’s nice to hear, but I don’t believe them, as I always kept myself in shape, I do think that it is obvious going back to that lifestyle will also age me very quickly, I am using everything as a deterrent. Thank you again, I do think that my friend from the church calling, seems to be right on time, but I do not think I could ever become a regious person to that extent, I love my rock’n roll, and my wild litlle spirit !! Christi
November 7th, 2005 at 12:51 am
Chirstie,
I love my rock-n-roll too and we seem to have a lot in common. I was never really a religious person…never thought I would be either. Sure, I went to church on Christmas and Easter and once in a while but that was it and I didn’t really think God was listening. But let me tell you…He is, and it would be really worth your while to investigate religion further. You are right on target when you said that that friend calling seemed to be right on time. God often gives us gifts and we call it fate or luck and we cannot see what it really is through our disbelief and mistrust. I am going through some difficulties right now to…but that is not shaking my faith. I look at it this way…Jesus suffered and so will we. That does not mean He does not care because he allows suffering, it just means that he understands more that anyone how we feel. You can e-mail me if you want…I would love to talk to you more if you would like to. I don’t want to take up too much space here. BTW…don’t worry about sounding weird…we all do at times…especially me.
Laurel_LaLa@yahoo.com
November 11th, 2005 at 1:53 pm
Hi Dawn!
I just watched the movie WonderLand, and it is such a motivation that even when things feel rough and at your lowest point in life, you will find a way to move on and rise up! What exactly gave you the biggest encouragement to move on and keep you striving?
November 12th, 2005 at 11:09 am
laurel, please if you get a chance to drop me a line , it would be great, I need a prayer for my sister, her name is Charm, 49, and called me with some very sad news, she has one child a girl of 14, she was diagnosed with cancer, she has to have a full mastecomy, both breasts, and it is in her lumph nodes, not a good sign, when she has surgery, I will be flying to her home in Edmonton, Alberta, wish I knew someone there, she is preparing to get her things “in order”, I am really shaken up, and need to have some faith. If the worst happens, I will be taking her 14 yrold daughter, to live with us, I am hoping it will not be her fate, I hope the radiation and chemo, will get rid of it.We are financially doing very well, and all of our kids will be going to U, we have a huge home, so we have lots of room for one more, and of course, I will treat her as my own, but I do hope it does not come to that, my sister does not have any money, and has struggled her entire life ( no thanks to our mom, long story ) this was the last thing she needed, I hope those who have faith, will say a prayer, even if you don’t know me, so Laurel, I hope to hear from you….take care, Christi
November 14th, 2005 at 3:42 pm
Hey Dawn.. When will the book be out??
November 17th, 2005 at 12:39 pm
Hi Laurel, just checking in with you to see how you are doing ???? I have had a lot going on, still breathing , good sign
drop me a line…4 crl@videotreon.ca, my new addy, please do n ot use jal. Thanks! Christi