Soup Supper Success!
Ahhhh….finally a moment to breath. Saturday was my local shelter’s annual soup supper. Everyone at the shelter has been working overtime in order to make sure all went well and I am honored to say that I was asked to be the quest speaker. Below I’d like to share with you my speech:
Hello.
I hope you are all enjoying your dinner and the excitement of the auction this evening. It’s wonderful to see the turn out here tonight, not only to raise money for support against domestic violence and sexual assault, but also to bring awareness of the existence of these issues in our very own community.
If you don’t already know me, my name is Dawn…and I am a survivor of violence.
I was fifteen years old and surrounded by adults when I fell into the hands of a thirty-two-year-old porn star. In my ordeal with my abuser I was repeatedly beaten, sexually assaulted, verbally, emotionally and mentally abused. When my abuser became addicted to cocaine, he made sure I was addicted too. The situation escalated quickly with the drugs, and it wasn’t long before I was violently forced to walk the streets and traded to drug lords for a score. Four people died one summer because they double-crossed the wrong person, and my boyfriend stood in the middle of the crime with the bloodiest hands. I was in constant fear that I would be next.
I was in what I knew was hell. Not only was I trapped, but due to the brainwashing I received by my abuser, I BELEIVED that even if I did escape, no one, not even my family, would ever want me again. Still the need to survive prevailed. I had to get out and I tried to run. Not once, but many times. Yet he was always two-steps ahead of me, ready to beat me back into submission, proving that any attempt to leave was futile.
I desperately needed to escape the insurmountable pain my life had become and although my mind occasionally provided a temporary solace of disassociation, the continued abuse pushed me to the ultimate edge — attempting suicide. Fortunately, my attempts were unsuccessful. However, I again remained trapped in that terrible cycle of abuse. At the end of almost seven years, I was finally rescued from my abuser by an intervention of neighbors. They were strangers really, who were shocked to witness the “nice guy†they knew as my boyfriend, beat me at the pool while they were having lunch. That year was 1981.
Like so many others of domestic violence I had no idea my life was like a page from a psychology book — full of classic scenarios and syndromes. I never really understood that I was not to blame or that there was any help out there for “someone like meâ€. I was left in a lot of trouble and with a dependency to drugs and alcohol. But the most debilitating residuals of the abuse were the remorse, guilt, shame, incessant sense of worthlessness, and post-traumatic stress disorder that clung to me like an ominous shadow.
Twenty-five years have passed since I last saw my abuser and in those initial years I stumbled through life. By trial and error I found recovery, counseling, and spirit, what I consider to be turning points for me. I carried a quote by Anis Nin in my purse for years. The words, although simple, encouraged me to keep going on some of my darkest days:
“And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to bloom.”
Today, I have walked through my fears and dealt with my past trauma. I have a beautiful daughter who I adore and live a good, full life. I’m also a hotline volunteer and have the honor of working with other survivors as well as caring individuals whose lives were never touched by aggression – all of us dedicated to advocacy against domestic violence and sexual assault.
At Shelter from the Storm I have witnessed the commitment to raising the bottom for a victim and can truly appreciate how they provide opportunities to wellness. From the after care counseling programs, attention given to children, assistance with restraining orders, shelter, the amazing SART program, teen advocacy and much, much more. Services that weren’t available to protect me when I was fifteen, or help me after I escaped in 1981.
I have tremendous gratitude for the intervention that saved me from my abuser’s grasp, and the shelter I received afterwards. It was the beginning of stepping out of hell for me. I believe that we all have the ability to speak out against violence. We can all be the eyes, ears and temporary voice for someone who is in trouble. We CAN all be aware.
I’d like to end with a great quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.:
“We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.â€
Thank you.
____________________________________________________
It was a bit difficult to get up and speak to an audience of over two hundred people, but the warmth and gratitude of many, made it worth it. We really CAN all be aware!
Happy Fat Tuesday!
Blessings,
Dawn
February 28th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
Dawn,
I think you give new meaning to the words “courage and survival” keep up your good work. I think the world would be a much better place if there were more caring people like you.
Printess
February 28th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
Dawn,
A most excellent speech. When your daughter is old enough to really understand what you have been through, and how you have risen above it all to help other people, she is going to be unbelievably proud of her mother.
Movie Fan
March 1st, 2006 at 10:38 am
Hey Dawn!! My name is Stephanie and I am 15 years old but I think your story is amazing. I have been reading your archives for a long time. I was wondering if you do guest speaking often. I would find it amazing if you could speak at our school. I don’t know when you would have time or if you would want to. I live in Wisconsin but I would really appreciate it if you could write back. I think a lot of people would find it interesting. my mom was abused by an ex husband before I was born and in a way my dad also abused her only verbally but anyway I am not the only one who knows someone who was , or was themselves, or even still are. I think it would be great if you would be able to come sometime.
thanks a bunch
Stephanie
P.S i am still waiting for your book to come out!!!
March 3rd, 2006 at 9:37 am
Dawn,
I have had a couple things on my mind I wanted to share with you. First off, I’m 29 and live in Florida. I have had to deal with my own battles including my fathers suicide when I was 8 years old. Years later, I was hanging out at my friends when the house was robbed and I was on the end of a serious beating. Yes, the situation involved drugs as motive; however, we had not done wrong to anybody such as robbing them. Basically we were just kids who had herb at the time and some lower class ghetto dwellers decided to do what those people do. I had to get 20 staples in my head and several stitches. I was lucky the air rifle that one of them was hitting me with was not a bat or something that wouldn’t have broken in half on the 5th blow like the air rifle did. It wasn’t even my house…I had no idea who these people were…just wrong place at the wrong time.
It’s been about 10 years and my life is pretty good for the most part as I have a fiancee and a nice place and good friends. I don’t have any permanent effects except knowing that there are people out there that WILL hurt you whether they know you or not. I guess it was kind of a reality check. I was in the Marines at the time and nothing lets you know how human you are like getting your ass kicked.
What I am truly curious about is pertaining to the tragedy that occurred in Deltona where those 4 guys rushed the house with bats and beat and stabbed 6 people to death. I have read several articles on the subject and how it was over an Xbox. I read further though and discovered information that cocaine may have also been involved which I tend to believe. In reading I also noticed that the “ringleader” Troy Victorino stated he got the idea from watching a movie where guys “rushed” a place and bludgeoned everyone to death. I read a few more articles and they all say the same thing…”a movie”. Well, I think that movie had to be ‘Wonderland’. I could be wrong but all of the connatations seem to be there. I own the movie and think it was well done. So I wonder if there is any legitimacy to that being the inspiration at the time. Don’t get me wrong,…this guy is seriously messed up and NO movie causes that. But I’ve seen many films and don’t remember too many with a scene like that. Maybe the film should be used at the trial coming up.
You truly seem like an interesting person. Glad that you have created a fulfilling life for yourself. Thank you for reading my thoughts.
March 5th, 2006 at 9:06 am
Dawn, a wonderful speech! Keep up this great work! A question: have you always felt comfortable speaking in front of many people? This is something I’m working on myself, and wonder if you might have any tips of how to get the confidence to do this, etc. Thanks, and keep up this great work of helping fight domestic violence.
March 11th, 2006 at 12:56 am
Dawn,
Good work! While reading your speech, I couldn’t help but think that you’re doing the work that was meant for you. Heck of a way to get there, but it’s true, we don’t always know what’s in store for us. You’re very brave to share your story, and to carry on with your life trusting others.
It took my mother years to finally walk out on my dad one final time, and not take him back. She did it. While it was hard on all of us, I wouldn’t trade the peace we had once my dad was out of our lives. In some ways it damaged me. I don’t trust men at all. I would love to have married and maybe had children. But I don’t want to wind up marrying my dad. While I’ve never been with someone who’s physically abused me, I have met up with other types who have hurt me in other ways.
Counselling does work, and maybe I can still have these things, someday. But for now, I’d rather help those worse off than I’ll ever be.
Let us know when your book comes out! I’m sure you’re worn out from all of us asking.
Be well,
Jen.
March 13th, 2006 at 4:55 pm
With today being March 13, the 18th anniversary of John Holmes’ death, it makes one wonder if John is looking down, free from the drugs and paranoia, and cheering Dawn on to success. Successfully helping other women escape the abuse that came at the hands of abusive men and drugs. And maybe he is also cheering on if her work keeps just one MAN from getting hooked on drugs too.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
Hey Dawn, that was truly an inspiring speech and I’ve said this before but you are such an inspiration to all women, especially those who have been in abusive relationships. Also, I wanted to know the status of your book? I definitely want to know when it comes out so I can purchase it. thanks
March 22nd, 2006 at 1:45 pm
I wanted to reach out to you and say that you are a courageous woman who overcame so many obstacles. Your story is sad. Yet it offers HOPE. I never heard of you until I saw the film “Wonderland” and was curious to learn what happened to you. I stumbled upon your website by accident and was impressed with the woman you are today and as I read all the letters from tens of thousands of young women it made my heart swell because you turned something very horrible into a positive. Your past didn’t defeat you but instead made you stronger. I came to California when I was 14 years old on a Greyhound bus carrying a paper bag as a suitcase. I left home because of abuse. I eventually married an older man who had been married 10 times under many different names. I was his 10th wife. It was a violent marriage. Many bad things happened which to this day is hard for me to speak about in public. Suffice it to say, we were rich and although under California law I could’ve received half of everything from our marital assets, I left that marriage with my child, our lives and the clothes on our back. I surrendered all the material things that we had accumulated in our marriage, the properties, money everything, sometimes there are more things more precious than material such as life itself and one’s freedom. When I left, deep inside of me I knew that I would be fine and I would make a success with my life. I worked at the LA Public Defender’s Office learning new skills yet, yearning to understand why this dark thing happened to me. It took many years of therapy and I now understand. I even wrote a book about my experience but it has never been published chiefly because I never showed anyone. It was something I had to do to put things in perspective. Today, I am the CEO of 2 California corporations, I have been invited to participate in World Forums, I interact with leaders of different nations including our own. I believe I am a success. Sure, I’ve made mistakes but I would like to think that I learned from those mistakes. From the core of my soul I will never forget where I came from or the struggles and like you I think that if I can make it so can anyone else – everyone deserves second chances and sometimes yes, even third chances!
I am very touched by your story ~ thank you for sharing it with us. I applaud you for your courage and from one woman to another embrace you for you are a winner in every sense of the word!
Thank you for helping others~
Alexandra
March 22nd, 2006 at 2:18 pm
P.S. What is the name of your book and where I can I purchase a copy?
Thank you!
March 31st, 2006 at 12:23 pm
Hi Alexandra,
Congratulations on your successes and thank you for kind words. The working title is “The Road Through Wonderland”. Books are a process and I am working hard at it.
It is a great feeling to give back.
Blessings,
Dawn
March 31st, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Dear Dawn,
There are no better rewards in life when you can give back to society or even to God. When I helped in the conservation/preservation of a cathedral in a different country I thought to myself who would’ve guess 20 years ago that I would be where I am today…Thank you God!
For me this is where sheer happiness lies. I love helping/giving of my time especially to children and people who are going through similar experiences as mine. But although on the outside I project the image of a strong woman, inside I still carry scars which make it hard to talk about it. But it takes one day at a time and one day like you I surely will!
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and for your kind words!
Alexandra
April 6th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
Dear Dawn,
I completely can relate to your trials and tribulations. As a young girl I too was involved in drugs and an older man. At 14 my parents were going thru one nasty divorce, and since I felt I had nowhere to turn I ran away to San Francisco. I went there to follow an old boyfriend from 8th grade. Three thousand miles away from home I found him. He was a punk rocker and a bicycle courier and he helped me to shoot up for my first time. It didn’t make me feel too cool to trip out on speed feeling like I couldn’t catch my breath. I left him immediately and went to a small suburb of San Francisco called Dublin. Once in Dublin I met up with my partner in crime Tasha. She and I traveled the coast of Cali going from place to place always finding time to help at least one person less fortunate than us. We always dressed the best and no one would have ever believed that we were on the run. When I was about 5 my parents were residents of Glendale, CA. I had people drive Tasha and I around until I found the street that I used to live on. Once there we found my parents neighbor Uncle Frankie. I told uncle Frank some lie and before ya knew it we were living with him in the lap of luxury. We went to Melrose and had our hair done, we partied with all of his friends and neighbors, we partied with hot guys we met at the clubs. We were having the time of our lives. Uncle Frankie finally got wind that we might be runaways and he called my dad. I promised he and my father that I would go back home but I think Uncle Frankie was smarter than that. He left us a couple of hundred dollars and we bolted back up the coast to Oakland. There we started to lead somewhat normal lives. I ended up getting a job as a waitress at the Merritt Restaurant in Oakland under the name of one of my friends older sisters. I don’t remember quiting that job but I remember that soon I left Oakland for Stockton and started working at a place on the river called Lost Isle. There it was a constant party lots of drinking and smoking pot. All in all it was a fairly nice place. I tried cocaine a couple of times but wasn’t really interested in the high. I called my parents a couple of times a month to let them know that I was still alive. Soon I became very homesick… I finally decided to go back and try to live with my father in Arizona. Dad had made a love connection and was seeing a lady named Donna. Donna had a 18 year old son named Karl. Karl had recently moved out into his first apartment with his girlfriend. On several occasions when my dad would go see Donna I would go with. Karl and I became friends. Karl decided to take me to a party at his old Roommate’s house. Thats where I first tried to free base and I fell in love. Within hours I had been taken from a innocent child to a drunken and dazed junkie. Steve violated me as I lay passed out on the floor of his apartment. I remember Karl finding me and there was a fight between he and Steve. I assured Karl that I was OK, I didn’t want to make a scene. I loved the feeling that I got every time I smoked another hit. Soon I must have gone back to Karl’s mom’s house because I remember being hung over for two days with Karl on the couch. Everyone thought it was funny and made jokes about our drunken encounter but no one knew the real truth about what really went on. I am unclear on the way I ended up back at the apartment but needless to say I never went home after that. For months I stayed with Steve, a slave to the pipe. Almost everyone that lived in that building was a base head. Steve was the one that everyone would go to for their dope, Steve was friends with the big man Kevin. I remember feeling really important because everyone would always be out looking to hang out with us. We always had all the drugs and all the parties. The parties were fun but at the end of each night Steve would pound a bottle of Peppermint schnapps to get to sleep. He would drink so much that I would see him turn blue from not breathing. As I was only 15 at the time I was unsure what to do with my lover turning blue. Sometimes I would try to wake him up to breathe and he would wake up to beat the living crap out of me, sometimes when he would turn blue I would hope that he wouldn’t live. The beatings became more prevalent as the time went on. I started to think of ways that I could get away from Steve, I remember one time I tried to leave and he locked me in a bedroom. All I wanted was to get away from him. Then I got my chance. Kevin and his girlfriend needed a babysitter. I for the life of me do not know why they choose me a 15 yr old junkie but they did. Kevin was out constantly scoring dope and selling it to the various people he did business with, his girlfriend had two small children one a baby and one a three year old named Xavier. I was in charge of helping her with the kids, I also found out that her and her mother Lydia were into shooting up behind Kevin’s back. On several occasions I had to help Lydia shoot her dope, soon I tried to do it to myself but because I was too underweight I was unsuccessful. Kevin was all the time oblivious to what was going on in his own house. I thought that they were crazy and that Kevin was going to kill all of us if he ever found out. Soon I went back to my 27 year old lover. I remember we had some rich kids that were constantly parting at our house, I had a crush on one of them but for the life of me I cant remember his name. Steve found out that I was flirting with this man and beat the life out of me. Some of our neighbors must have felt sorry for me and called the police. When the police came to our home they took Steve to jail and told me that I was going to be award of the state if I couldn’t go to my fathers house. When I gave the police the phone number for my dad they called him and to my dismay he told them he didn’t have a daughter. I was on the way to juvenile detention when I asked if they called my fathers girlfriend would that count as a guardian. They called Donna and she came and got me. Within hours I was on a bus back to Florida, back to the life I had thrown away. I wasn’t really angry anymore and needless to say I ended up an honor roll student. My mother was remarried and wanted nothing to do with me and my father did not either but I had only one thing in mind…. Making it out alive, and staying the hell away from drugs.
I watched the movie I think your story is amazing!
April 24th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
That is AWESOME!! You are SO amazing and SUCH an inspiration to women who`ve endured similar acts done upon them.
May 10th, 2006 at 5:06 am
Dawn,
Wow. What an incredible story. Your courage and strength are an inspiration to all who are mired in abusive relationships. Keep up the fine work. May God bless and protect you.