Take Back the Night!
Last Friday evening, my local university’s Womens Center held a “Take Back the Night” rally at our town square. Along with another wonderful presenter, I was asked to speak. So below is what I threw together on that day to share with the audience. I kept in my favorite quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. and message of awareness here as I had written into my presentation at the Soup Supper because I believe so much that we all need to be reminded that we can help. I thought I would share it with you.
Peace,
Dawn
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Hello my name is Dawn and I am a survivor of violence.
When I heard there would be a Take Back the Night March and I was asked if I might want to share part of my experience as a survivor, my first thought was where do I begin?
Out of a mind numbing litany of painful days from six years of an abusive past — one day in particular — one 24 hour period — jumped clearly to the forefront of mind. It was what I call my worst day and my darkest night.
At the height of abuse in a relationship that started when I was fifteen and my abuser thirty two, I sat one evening in a dilapidated motel room with my boyfriend and watched with mounting dread as he drained the last drop of cocaine out of an exhausted pipe. I knew he was about to snap and he would do what had become a sick and twisted pattern he would lash out, punch me, hit me, slap me, pin me down in any cruel way he could and rape me to vent his rage. I began to cower as his lip curled and his bood-shot glare shot daggers of hate in my direction. He leapt up from his chair to grab me, and I made a mad dash for the door. I didnt make it and a struggle ensued. But this time it was different. This time his hands slipped and I miraculously was able to make a second try for the door and race out into the night.
Wearing only my night shirt and slippers I bound across a busy intersection and into a local convenience store, begging for help from anyone as I hid behind the store clerk. Nobody knew what to do with me. A young frightened couple agreed to take me somewhere safe after having seen my boyfriend lurking outside, but the only address I had was a long shot, a friend, who my boyfriend had long ago distanced me from. It was the only place I hoped I could go and spend a safe night.
The couple let me off on the street in front of my friends house and drove off, not waiting to see if I would find safety, only glad to be relieved of the responsibility of me. I approached her door, held my breath and knocked — then knocked again — then knocked again. There was no answer — and in the frozen fog of an early December morning, I shivered on the porch and cried.
After what seemed liked hours I gave in to the hopelessness and rejection of that closed door and made my way to the street to hitch hike back to my abuser. May be he would be sleeping. I could just sneak in and get warm, I told myself desperate to be somewhere off of the streets.
I did get a ride. Almost right away and for an instant I felt lucky. It took less than five minutes before the drivers hand was at my throat. Im going to kill you bitch he growled as he squeezed harder and drove far into the upper desert.
I cried and begged him not to hurt me. He told me to shut up. I plead some more and then I bargained. Please mister, Ill do anything you want, please, just dont kill me. He smiled and kept driving. At a desolate stretch of the highway he slowed down. I then took what was my only chance at survival and jumped out of the moving car. Bloody and bruised I ran towards a nearby onramp, flagging wildly at every vehicle that passed. To my great relief another couple, older this time, pulled over and let me in. I thanked them and breathlessly asked to be taken to the police.
The police systematically took down my story and checked my wounds. I had lost my slippers and tore my nightgown in the fall and was given a blanket to stay my shivering. Daylight crept in on us and I thought how this morning could have been so much different. I could have been lying on the side of the freeway, a rape and murder victim. When the police finished, they asked if they could take me to someones home perhaps back to my boyfriends.
I didnt understand. Why would they want to take me to him? I told them he hurt me. But I didnt say a word and exhausted I allowed myself to be driven back to my abuser.
He greeted us at the door and thanked the police for bringing me home to him. He put his arm around me and lovingly guided me inside, smiling and waving goodbye to the officers until the door was shut and they were gone. Then he turned to me and proceeded to savagely beat me, leaving me broken, bloody and alone for days.
In looking back, I dont know how I could be alive. I was a girl in a deadly relationship, who thought when she finally had the courage and opportunity to break away from her abuser she would be free and find help.
I wanted to shout please help me. I wanted someone to reach out to me and know what to do. I wanted someone to see me, see that I was in trouble and that I had been hurt. I wanted someone to be there with an answer, a solution, a number, a place anything.
But that wasnt the case. Instead it was a night where nearly every turn I made was more rejection and brutal assault.
If you are a victim or feel you are being victimized. If you know of someone who is or might be in danger, I URGE you to contact the womens center on campus or Shelter from the Storm and speak to someone who can help. We have numbers here at the table and flyers are being passed out. There are a broad range of services available for whatever stage of assistance you may need.
Lets educate ourselves. We can offer help. Real help. Please, dont let someone slip through the cracks because you didnt know they were reaching out.
I believe that we all have the ability to speak out against violence. We can all be the eyes, ears and temporary voice for someone who is in trouble. We CAN all be aware.
Before I go, Id like to make a shout out to my daughter. I want to tell her I adore her and think she is amazing.
Id like to end with a great quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.:
We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.
Thank you. And. Peace.
June 11th, 2006 at 4:22 pm
Dawn
Any word on when your book might be out?
Thanks.
June 17th, 2006 at 9:14 pm
You have been given a beautiful talent both in writing and speaking. I believe you are about to embark on a path where these talents will blend together and the message of hope and survival will be heard and heeded.
June 18th, 2006 at 7:23 am
I too am interested in the book. It sounds as if Dawn has grown wise with her years, and hopefully can be a light to those who are tempted to travel down the same dark paths which go nowhere.
June 18th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
Oh, Dawn. This is the first time I’ve read this part of your website, the movie and the material I’d previously read did not reveal this violent side of John Holmes. I’m anxious to read the book, too. Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie with the pictures of their baby, you could make 50 cents of every copy, or whatever, go to women’s shelters or hotllines for girls like you were then to turn to. All the best, Carol
June 18th, 2006 at 8:05 pm
Dawn, you have turned lemons into lemonade. I have a friend who has done the same. She has been on Opray, Larry King, etc. and her new book is about Survival, No Victiims, Only Survivors, is the title. If you let me know an address I would love to send you a copy, yall have a lot in common. She has a website http://www.novictimsonlysurvivors.com. You might want to check it out and you two get together, she does not know I have contacted you. Good luck and God Bless, Lezlie
June 24th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
Dawn,
I just shared the movie “Wonderland” with my oldest daughter last evening. She just left an abusive relationship of three years, and is discovering how much MORE there is in the world without him. Thank you for giving so many women hope. I am looking forward to reading your book.
Like you, I am in recovery and consider myself a survivor as well, having left a 22 year marriage where there was sexual and emotional abuse. I can understand and empathize with your struggle, for even though these abusive men are no longer in our lives, they have left their indelible mark forever. I pray my daughter(s) can break their pattern of choosing abusive, angry men who show them no respect, and continually find every means possible to break them down, brainwash them and abuse them.
You are showing your daughter a different way, and that is an incredible and beautiful thing, she is a lucky little girl for having such a brave and beautiful mother. I wish I would have had the strength to leave my ex husband years before I did, before he had the opportunity to totally break me down, leaving me empty and emotionally scarred and subject to yet another man who, like you, did not stop until he had me addicted to his drug of choice.
Today, I have three and a half years clean, a career and a home. My oldest daughter is my best friend, and I am trying to show her and her younger sister a different way to live, a positive and uplifiting way, which doesn’t include having a man in their lives 24 hours of every day. Sure, I struggle with bills, and finances are always going to give me stress, but at least I am living an honest life and am a contributing member of society.
I know this is long, but I’m just so overwhelmed to have an opportunity to actually speak to you, because I was so incredibly moved by the movie Wonderland, and I felt a strong affinity to your character, as portrayed by Kate Bosworth.
Once again, thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you peace and happiness in your life!
Go with God,
Lori
June 26th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
Hi Lori,
Congratulations on your three and a half years clean and sober. I am always so happy to hear this. Sobriety and counseling has been the KEY elements for healing to me. When I look back at myself prior to finally getting clean and getting counseling, I am made so aware of how much I have progressed, and I am so very, very thankful that I was able to take those steps.
You are on the right track it sounds like. I hope that everyone can find their way out of a painful experience and find true peace.
Blessings,
Dawn
P.S. Thank you for your poem. There is alot of heart in it.
Also, I glad you have your dog back in your life and are able to spend good times together.
June 27th, 2006 at 5:43 pm
Dawn, thanks again for your nice e-mail! I am doing quite well actually, and continue to face life head on. I’m glad you liked the poem – I write a lot of poetry, and I am also an artist. But what brings home the bacon is my paralegal job. Though I work in the bowels of foreclosure law, I dream of someday using my legal background to help other women in need, much as you do! Unfortunately, I really don’t know where to start!
October 6th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
Hi Dawn,
I have been wanting to write something on your site for almost two years now. I didn’t have the courage until now, but don’t know why. It is awfully hard to condense such a long and painful journey into a short paragraph. I, along with many of the others writing on this blog, have cocooned from a victim into a beautiful survivor. I too have been a victim of abuse from a very young age. Beginning with my mother, I was tormented emotionally, physically, psychologically, and most definitely verbally from the age of five until I finally escaped her at age 15. I never understood why my own mother didn’t love me; I tried to be a good kid, but I just couldn’t please her. So I pursued self-destruction, after all, I must have been a rotten person if my own mom didn’t love me right? Since abuse was familiar to me, I ran straight into one after another of abusive relationships. I always ended the relationship when the beatings became severe, but was always chased after. I was kicked out of apartments, lost jobs and longtime friendships because of men who just wouldn’t let me go in peace. Most of the time it was easier to relent, go back, than to keep running. And I didn’t recognize it at that point in my life, it was all about control. My mom tried to control me, not teach or guide as a mother should, but tried to dictate everything I thought, felt and did, the same as the men acted when I was older. I continued in agonizingly abusive relationships throughout my young adult years, not by choice of course. Abusers are sly, they are charming and chivalrous in the beginning. As soon as they think they got you hooked, know you care deeply for them, then wham! There it is. But I always did the right thing anyway; I left every time. It wasn’t until I was 38, and shot in the face by a man I thought loved me, that I finally figured it all out. I looked back even in the hospital and saw all the signs pointing to eminent disaster. And each time drugs and alcohol were involved, not love (at least not on their part). Even after leaving the very first time this boyfriend became physical, he still stalked me for several weeks until one night he snapped, shot me point-blank in the face then turned the gun on himself. I became a survivor, he didn’t. I even spent a couple years feeling guilty that I survived and he didn’t! I had no choice in the matter, but he did; he died by his choice. It was hard for me to understand that even after I did the right thing in leaving him, I was still nearly killed. I think about all the pain I suffered (still suffer), and I lost my family and most all of my friends through that traumatic time; they say you find out the true people in your life through times like that and it is true. The friends were not real friends and I found out the truth about my shallow family. I slowly recovered, and after a few years I watched Wonderland and saw myself almost from the beginning. I was doing the same thing as you, searching for someone to love me and for me to love. I have always been with older men (I never had a dad). You would think they would be more nurturing. There are a few differences in our stories, but the similarities far out weighted them. I am actually the same age as you, 45, and 1981 was a rip-roaring year for me, as the movie portrayed. But unlike you, I have not reached out to give back. I have tried but it always backfires on me. I just can’t let myself trust people. I find still at every turn, just about, people are still trying to hurt me or take advantage. I don’t understand this dark side of human nature, but I admire you for reaching out to other abused women and making it a priority in your life. I have recently come to know God and am endeavoring to establish a close relationship with Him. It has been the most help and comfort to me. So has your site. I try to inspire women along the way, in intimate relationships, I would eventually like to speak to groups as you do, it must be healing to you. I am still healing after all these years; I will probably spend the rest of my life finding refuge from my past. If I can ever be of any help to you or your cause, feel free to use me in that manner. This is just a tickle of my life, I have many ugly details to share if need be, if it will help…just one person, it is worth revealing. Keep up the good fight Dawn S.
P.S. I am looking for your book?
Dawn B
October 7th, 2006 at 7:54 am
Hi Dawn S.,
I read in your speech above about an attempt to escape that led to more torment. I remember an incident similar. I had done too much “acid” one night and couldn’t stay at work the next day, so I walked out on my job in a book binding factory and thought I’d hitch a ride to where I was staying. I was about 18 years old then. The guy that picked me up did exactly as the ride that picked you up. He passed the street I told him to let me off on with a wicked smile. I remember he looked like Charles Manson. He took me to some deserted field way up the top of the town. As he was driving he said that he just wanted to “get high” then he would take me to wherever I wanted to go. The fight-or-flight syndrome was kicking in about then because I knew what he was up to and it wasn’t to share his stash. After he stopped and loaded his pipe, we got out of his truck. He handed me the pipe to take a hit, then swung around behind me and pressed the cold, sharp edge of a screwdriver to my neck. I can still feel its dominant icy touch. Instantly I thought I was to die that day. As he began to fondle me; I knew what his motive was so I racked my brain as to how to get out of this one. I remained calm even though my skin was crawling at his despicable touch, which is exactly why I am here today. I knew I couldn’t fight him without being severely injured or even killed, and I decided I did not want to die on that day in that way; so I out thought him. I told him I was game for a some fun, but that I just wanted to get to know him a bit. He seemed excited at my words, like he believed them; he obviously wasn’t that smart. He kept feeling me and guiding me slowly back into the truck. As he lay me down on the dirty seat and unbuttoned my Levi 501 jeans, he managed to undo himself simultaneously, I was inwardly paniced and frantic, but remained calm outwardly. It was at this point that the physical part of the rape began; I almost lost it. But before he inserted himself fully, I again tried psychology, I suggested that it would be better if we could find a bed rather than that small seat of the truck all cramped and smelly. Surprisingly he paused to think about the idea, and I seized the moment to distract him further by talking about him being my boyfriend and us making love comfortably for the first time, etc. He let up the more I talked about comfort and a relationship. He then relinquished, we quickly assembled ourselves, he in excited anticipation, me in morbid fear and a trickle of hope. Then began the seemingly endless drive back to town. Remember, I was still tripping from partying the previous night, it almost seemed like a nightmare. As each mile passed I was frantically thinking of how I could get away. I even thought of jumping out of the vehicle but assumed he would just stop and run after me, there really was no where to go. I figured if I pissed him off that would be the end of my illusion. So I poutingly said I was thirsty and playfully asked if we could stop somewhere. He thought he was being a gentleman when he turned into a Sonic. I remember trying to communicate with the car-hop but to no avail. You are right on the nose Dawn S., with the realization that people just don’t get it. They don’t care to sense when someone needs help. And at that moment I just wanted someone to SEE ME and HELP ME out (just as you expressed in your speech). I suppose they just don’t want to get involved. Anyway, there was no opportunity at the Sonic. I said I had to use the john but he said his house was not that far away so I waited. Later we pulled up to a surprisingly nice, clean little duplex. I looked around as we entered and was more surprised that it was clean. I took a chance and asked if I could call my brother to let him know where I was and that I was alright since he had been expecting me. Again to my surprise the idiot said fine. I casually called my brother trying to keep my voice steady and upbeat, but he knew immediately something was dreadfully wrong. I gave him the address and he was there in 10 minutes. I managed to stall “Manson” until I saw my brother’s car, then I wildly broke away from his grasp and bolted out the door screaming “you bastard” as I ran. I still can’t believe it happened the way it did, and it didn’t fly by quickly. The whole incident took several hours to run its course. I guess most people won’t believe it either, that a guy would be that stupid, and that manipulated, but it did happen that way and he was that stupid. Or God was blinding him and guiding me. The point is that when something like that happens to someone else, keep calm, think the situation through if it isn’t to the violent stage. Many times there is a way out, you just have to be alert and ready. Taking self-defense classes does help you prepare for the unexpected, when the situation is more violent and quick action is needed. I had a sudden urge to share this experience with you all, I have never told anyone but my brother and my boyfriend at that time. It is healing to let it go after some twenty-six years…sigh (a deep breath), and I thank GOD today that I am still here. There have been several times where HE has literally “stretched out His hand” and saved my life. This was one, the shooting in the head was another, there are several more. I can only conclude that God has a purpose for me, a plan, that I am to be His witness, that my work has just begun, and that you Dawn S. are the gentle nudge that I needed to begin this stage of healing. It’s ironic that it would be a stranger that helps me over the hump rather than a friend or family member.
Maybe we will become friends. Hope this helps even just one person.
Dawn B.
November 1st, 2006 at 1:25 pm
This site has been in the past, to me, a safe place to share and unload my darkest feelings when I feel alone and doomed to my emotional pain. A pain that seems to strike at the most unexpected times. I am 25 yrs old, and in my beginning, I have been shown ugly and harmful sides of human nature, and in my case it has always shown thru a man. My life has had many dark shades, especially in my teenage years. Once I was older and in control of my life and who was in it, I chose to turn inward for self love and gained much strength, and ways of dealing with my inner turmoil. I accept that the demons never disappear, but have found ways to peacefully coexist with them.
Unfortunately, my fears and insecurities that I have put under my wing have resurfaced, and are so strong and scary. I feel a familiar feeling of loneliness and fear. It’s overwhelming how one thing can trigger negativity from the past that quickly dominates your daily routines and happiness.
My boyfriend is a few years older than me, we are very much in love, and have been planning our future together. The only thing that holds me back is every so often I am faced with diving head first into my fears and insecurities and our world becomes distant, uncomfortable, and empty because we both shut down. He has a habit of hiding things from me of a sexual nature that cause him shame.
I fear that I am being hypersensitive to him because of my past and don’t know what’s normal. I don’t want to throw away our love, but I don’t want to invite secrets and something unhealthy into my future life. I am in need of complete openness and honesty, or I get anxiety. In the past I found a nude picture of a girl we know hiding from me, I’ve seen him peeping at girls with binoculars in they’re bathing suites at a pool outside, pictures that he’s taken of girls’ bodies who don’t know that they’re picture is being taken, and an outrageous number and constant flow of pictures of girls online. He continues to promise to change, but I don’t know if he really wants to.
I think he takes things to an unhealthy level and I fear he will get worse. Altho I love him, I don’t know if I can handle anything of this nature. I fear that I am living with the enemy sometimes, not knowing if this is rational thinking. I often wonder if I am the enemy. It seems unfair, that because of a couple dark individuals in my life, I should live my life with a ball and chain to fears and insecurity. I wonder if there is a healthy future or clarity of my state of mind. Am I doomed to an unhealthy state because I have had no healthy father/mother figure?
December 13th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
Hello Melissa,
After reading your post above, I wanted to say to you, please understand that no matter what your past, the problem your boyfriend has, has absolutely nothing to do with your past. No partner should be forced to cope with a problem such as his. Even the average person who has had a fairy tale life wouldn’t deal agreeably with this sort of addiction. And it is an addiction. I was married many years ago; my now ex-husband had a similar secret addiction. I couldn’t figure out where his paychecks were going because he didn’t contribute much to rent and bills. By accident one day I discovered a magazine way up on a high, unused bathroom shelf. It was an S & M magazine depicting bizzare acts between men and men, women and women, men and women. I confronted him with it and he actually tried to say it was mine! After about 30 minutes of defending myself and counteracting his lies, he finally admitted it was indeed his. As I glanced through this magazine, I discovered 1-900 numbers that had been circled as if called. He was spending most of his paychecks on phone sex. I told him he wasn’t talking to the beautiful, young girl displayed in the sexy get-up, but probably a 60 year old, 500 pound, toothless looser with a seductive voice. (I have nothing against overweight people, I’m just trying to make a point here.) Anyway, we got divorced primarily because of his addiction. Because he was stupid enough to believe he was talking to the beautiful model in the magazine, he decided he wanted to start dating again. I reminded him he was married, but he still insisted he wanted to date other women. I would not tolerate an open marriage so I initiated a divorce. I knew that his addiction would grow, first, because he worked out of town so the chances of us working things out was slim, and second, I realized he just wasn’t going to change. He had already begun to hit me only six months after our wedding day. The part that hurt me most is that I was and am not ugly or over-weight. I have always had plenty of men beating a path to my door. I was uninhibited sexually and willing to try new and different things to spice up our love life. I couldn’t figure out why he would want to stray. You are NOT being hypersensitive to your man because of your past; again it has nothing to do with your past. You should not be made to endure his fantacy lust for other women, it will only eat away at your confidence. This is his problem not yours, unless you tolerate it, then it becomes one more nightmare you have to endure. Listen to your gut instincts, if you feel he is taking this addiction to the next level then pay attention. You need to think about if YOU want to be subjected to this on a growing scale and a daily basis. Think also of your self-image. It seems to me you already have low self-esteme, and you will only sink deeper into the quagmire of his sickness. He may be a wonderful man in all other ways, but it only takes one issue to drag down a relationship. Trust me on this, I have been there more than once. Think very hard about if you want to grow as a person or be pulled down by his illness. Best of luck to you; please make the right decision for YOURSELF. And remember your own words, “I don’t want to invite secrets and something unhealthy into my future life. I am in need of complete openness and honesty, or I get anxiety.” Melissa, every healthy relashionship needs openness, honesty, communication, and trust. Don’t put yourself down because you have a dark past, ANYONE would hesitate becoming seriously involved in a dark addiction such as your boyfriend has succumbed to. He will continue to feed it if you tolerate it, which enables him as well. As much as you may love him, love yourself first and more. Talk to someone you trust about this, please. Good luck.
August 11th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Hi .. I first want to say that I am thankful for being able to find this site. I have only heard of John Homes as “the actor” for years .. then when, “Wonderland” came out .. I thought I would check it out. And when I saw it .. and saw the extra info bout John, you and everyone around I was totally baffled. And when I did a search looking for you and seeing where you are in life. I never imagined there was so much more to the story. And to her about the horrible things that you had to overcome.. all I can say is wow.. Your spirit wasn’t crushed .. but made stronger. And am grateful of finding this site .. and hearing what you have to say. And seeing you and Sharon are friends and still are.. very incredible. I would love to learn more .. hope to see your book that everyone is talking about. I am just so baffled about it all. BUT CONGRATS FOR BEING A SURVIVOR!! *HUGS* My heart goes out to you.