It’s high time to be posting something…anything! Right?

I’ll start with news of a committee that I sit on. The President’s Commission on the Status of Women, or PCSW. This is a committee based out of my local University, and every year during National Women’s Week the PCSW selects from a pool of outstanding women from the community, faculty, staff, and students. This is my second year serving here and there is always alot of work to get things organized, but everything finally came to fruition the first week of March. Kathleen Dahl won for outstanding faculty and Sharon Mendoza won for outstanding citizen. Professor Dahl had quite a history of being the odd woman out and standing strong, so her success as this year’s awardee was deserved. But Ms. Mendoza was the underdog, and won my heart.

It snows where I live in the Winter. Well, let’s be real. It snows Fall, Winter and half of Spring to be modest. At the corner of our town square, every Friday early evening a small handful of people stand waving a blue flag with the words “peace” sewn in white. The thing is, on many of the blustery, freezing, evenings there is only one person standing waving her flag for peace. It is Ms. Mendoza.

That image, the one of her standing with her flag in some of the most frigid weather in Eastern Oregon, was the face of courage and bravery to me. And as I closed my eyes to contemplate on the cast of deserving nominees, Ms. Mendoza’s lone figure wouldn’t leave my thoughts and I placed my vote.

It’s tough to pick an awardee out of a pool of very deserving women, but we (the committee) did good.
Dawn

MEDALLION PRESS LAUNCHES A NONFICTION LINE!
St. Charles, Illinois “August 1, 2008” Medallion Press, Inc., is pleased to announce the debut of a nonfiction line, with the first title available in stores August 2010. This new imprint will cover areas of motivation and strength, self-help, and autobiographies. This will be the seventh imprint for Medallion Press, adding it to the family of fiction imprints, including the new Medallion Masterpiece Collection, which will unveil its first title in November 2008.

The first release of our nonfiction line will be an autobiographical look at the life of Dawn Schiller, a woman who, as a teenager, became wrapped up in the bizarre life of legendary porn star John Holmes, and the drugs, beatings, and murders that soon consumed her world. In The Road through Wonderland, Dawn will give a recounting of her life, starting with her childhood, leading through her relationship with John Holmes, and through the struggle she encountered to overcome her past. In 2003, Lions Gate released the film Wonderland, a look at the life of John Holmes and his connection with the Wonderland Murders. Actor Val Kilmer, who played John, and actress Kate Bosworth, who played Dawn, will both contribute a foreword to the book.

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IMAGINE ALL THE PEOPLE…….

Today is John Lennon’s birthday…..

Today marks six weeks since my daughter’s surgery, she has been given the all clear by the doctors. We call this her recovery day.

Today I can announce the news that “The Road Through Wonderland” has found a publisher.

JUST IMAGINE….

Thank you all for keeping the faith,

Dawn

My latest DV Shelter event took place last night. I would like to share with you some of the wonderful people that gave of their time and talent. The event was an amazing success!

Jimmy Lloyd Rea – File photo
People who love the blues and a good cause are in for a rockin good time Saturday night when Shelter From the Storm hosts the second annual Jimmy Lloyd Rea Birthday Bash at the Eagles Lodge.
Not only does the 7 p.m. fundraiser coincide with Rea’s birthday, it also comes along at the start of October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Shelter board member and event organizer Dawn Schiller said it all fits together very nicely.
This is a wonderful way to launch the observance, and also to let the community know the shelter is available to everyone and working hard to eradicate violence, she said.
Proceeds from the event will benefit the agency, which is a domestic violence crisis intervention service. Rea and the local musicians siding him are donating their time and talent to the event. Jimmy is a staunch advocate against violence, and he shows it with his actions and his words, said Schiller.  That goes for all the musicians who will be there.
Rea, an ever-popular blues singer and bass guitarist,  has been playing the blues since the 1960s.
Though Rea is internationally known and has performed with legends like Pete Karnes, Muddy Waters and the group Canned Heat, he often plays small towns in the Northwest.
His father, county Judge Jimmy Lloyd Rea, often presided over cases involving domestic violence. That gave the son a chance to see the consequences of violence up close.
A lot of times, the cases were about parents beating and abusing their kids. I saw that it turned those kids sideways, Rea said. Its always driven me crazy. I cant stand that abuse stuff. This is my way of helping the people who need it.
Saturday night, Rea will appear with singer-guitarist Al Too Loud MacLeod, keyboardist Matt Cooper, guitarists Larry Robb and Jerry Smith, drummer Tim Erickson and saxophonist Greg Johnson.
Sit-in musicians will include Russell Hunt, Luke McKern, and Dave Yoder.
Hunt is a Navy veteran who played saxophone in the Navy Stage Band. He was once selected to play his instrument on the Tonight Show, but was unable to make it because of his service commitment.

Tickets for the benefit, priced at $10 per person and $15 for families, can be purchased at Shelter From the Storm.
We were a packed house last year, Schiller said. The Eagles were pleasantly surprised to find all their chairs filled with people.
The event is sponsored by Sorbenots Coffee, Dominos Pizza, Pizza Hut, New York Richies and Coca-Cola.

It is with the heaviest heart that I inform you that my webmaster, Gloria, passed away from complications brought on by cancer.

Gloria was strong to the end and, I believe, not planning on leaving us. For this reason, this website has been stagnant and had some technical difficulties. There has been a changing-of-the-guard, and this blog will remain up and running. There are even plans to improve.

It is hard posting here without Gloria’s keen eye and expertise watching my every move. She blocked the spam, intercepted the hurtful comments, and kept track of some craziness. She has left some awesome people behind to take her place, but no one can replace “our Gloria”. While going through some of the initial posts to this site, I found a comment to me from Gloria. It is as if she is speaking to me from where ever she is now. It reads:

“Great post, Dawn. You offered your readers a view of your world in a heartfelt and spontaneous way. Those moments of complete perfection are not always seen or felt, let alone expressed, even though they skirt the edge of what we think of as real and wait for that one moment of discovery. Beautiful is the word that comes into my mind that describes what you wrote. You showed what beauty looks, feels, and sounds like rather than trying to tell your readers what beauty is. This is a sign of a good writer, one who can give their readers an opportunity to have an experience without getting in their way by telling them what they should feel and think about an event and/or story. Showing the experience and allowing your reader to join you as it unfolds gives them a experiential peek into your world, whether it be today, yesterday, or tomorrows world.
Very well written. If this short piece is any indication of the writing style in your book, I can’t wait to read it. Glo “

Miss you Wildmind.

Dawn

If you wish to be placed on a mailing list for advanced notice for the book, please register with the button on the side panel. You can also leave your info under the comments, that way I know who is definitely interested.

Thank you.

Dawn

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It is time to share some of what has kept me busy since last summer and part of the reason why I haven’t had time to post. Sharon Holmes has moved in to live with me. My daughter gave up her room so she could be comfortable. Sharon has been sick you see, and this day was a good day.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers….. No matter what the past, when you are sick and have no one you do the right thing.

All your best wishes are well received.

Blessings,
Dawn

Last month was an eye opener. I attended my very first National Coalition Against Domestic Violence conference (NCADV) in Atlanta. It was an intense five days of workshops, pleanaries, networking and caucus events. It has been a long time since I have told my story to so many people in one short time period. I think the last time was to the police those many years ago. It was also overwhelming to hear other women’s stories. Terrible accounts of being stabbed, shot, children murdered before their eyes, neighbors murdered who tried to jump in to rescue…..and the list goes on. I know I had seen many of the attendees on shows like Oprah, but they were not there to talk about any kind of ill won fame. They were there to share their experience and offer inspiration and education.

Attendees filtered off into groups that they identified with and when I looked around for the place that I would fit in, a group that I never thought in my life I would feel like a member of had their door open and waiting for me -The Battered and Formerly Battered. Why I never thought myself a part of “them”, well, there are probably still many reasons, but I walked through the large double doors anyway and looked at the number I had been assigned – table number 4 – and sat down. Immediately I knew I belonged. Sweet, kind, caring women from all walks of life and at every stage of healing from their abuse shared with each other their experience, strength and hope. We got creative and we listened. When one of us broke down to cry, we offered an unparalled shoulder of understanding and cried together. We reinvented the wheel (the Power and Control wheel) and taught each other about diversity and new respect. And at the end we issued a statement of union. It is posted on the NCADV website (NCADV.org) and it goes like this:

In order for the domestic violence movement to facilitate effective and positive social change in our society, it is imperative that Battered and Formerly Battered Women have a clear presence and a loud voice to direct and guide this movement. We have a commitment to provide compassionate, respectful support to the women we serve. As a movement, it is in our best interest to consider survivors wealth of knowledge and resources, as well as represent those who have been silenced.

As Battered and Formerly Battered Women we fight against the stereotypes dominant culture forces on us. Then, we turn to the Battered Womens Movement that purports to validate and support us to find we must continue to struggle and educate. We refuse to have our experiences, reactions and our history pathologies. We will not be defined as having a psychological malady that caused, created, or attracted abuse to us and to our lives. We will not be defined as having a psychological malady because we have been battered.

The Battered and Formerly Battered Womens Caucus of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence call upon all Battered Womans Projects, Organizations and Workers to stop using clinical language, and mental health/social work models in their work with Battered Women and Children. These approaches were embraced to gain respect and support for the battered womens movement, but they have failed to do so. While this approach may have gained respect and financial advantage for some battered womens workers, this language has done so at a cost of revictimizing, disrespecting and demeaning Battered Women. It has also inadvertently aided batterers using institutional systems to persecute Battered Women, in areas such as child custody proceedings.

The Battered and Formerly Battered Womens Caucus of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence call upon all Battered Womans Projects, Organizations and Workers to recognize that it is your day-to-day advocacy and interaction with Battered Women and children that create social change. Focusing on mental health/social work models that promote the idea that Battered Women need treatment distracts from our most immediate work and deepest belief: the needs she brings to us for safety, support and justice and her inherent autonomy to direct her life and define her identity.

The Battered and Formerly Battered Womens Caucus of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence call upon researchers and academics within the movement to make their primary focus the cultural and systemic basis of abuse to women and children. We challenge researchers and academics to step up as partners in promoting social change to end battering and sexual assault. We also challenge them to reevaluate current practice that focuses on the outcomes of such research that concentrates on creating and perpetuating the concept of domestic violence as individual psychopathology and/or as caused by alcohol/drug abuse. We recognize past research has increased funding and validity for some; however, we believe the interpretation and implementation of such findings has aided in the suffering and death of the very individuals the research was intended to serve Battered Women and Children.
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I stood at the end of five days and made myself known as one who was formerly battered and was making a commitment to use my experience and knowledge – my voice – to help stop the violence against women.

Thank you.

Dawn

Last Friday evening, my local university’s Womens Center held a “Take Back the Night” rally at our town square. Along with another wonderful presenter, I was asked to speak. So below is what I threw together on that day to share with the audience. I kept in my favorite quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. and message of awareness here as I had written into my presentation at the Soup Supper because I believe so much that we all need to be reminded that we can help.  I thought I would share it with you.

Peace,
Dawn

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Hello my name is Dawn and I am a survivor of violence.

When I heard there would be a Take Back the Night March and I was asked if I might want to share part of my experience as a survivor, my first thought was where do I begin?

Out of a mind numbing litany of painful days from six years of an abusive past — one day in particular — one 24 hour period — jumped clearly to the forefront of mind. It was what I call my worst day and my darkest night.

At the height of abuse in a relationship that started when I was fifteen and my abuser thirty two, I sat one evening in a dilapidated motel room with my boyfriend and watched with mounting dread as he drained the last drop of cocaine out of an exhausted pipe. I knew he was about to snap and he would do what had become a sick and twisted pattern he would lash out, punch me, hit me, slap me, pin me down in any cruel way he could and rape me to vent his rage. I began to cower as his lip curled and his bood-shot glare shot daggers of hate in my direction. He leapt up from his chair to grab me, and I made a mad dash for the door. I didnt make it and a struggle ensued. But this time it was different. This time his hands slipped and I miraculously was able to make a second try for the door and race out into the night.

Wearing only my night shirt and slippers I bound across a busy intersection and into a local convenience store, begging for help from anyone as I hid behind the store clerk. Nobody knew what to do with me. A young frightened couple agreed to take me somewhere safe after having seen my boyfriend lurking outside, but the only address I had was a long shot, a friend, who my boyfriend had long ago distanced me from. It was the only place I hoped I could go and spend a safe night.

The couple let me off on the street in front of my friends house and drove off, not waiting to see if I would find safety, only glad to be relieved of the responsibility of me. I approached her door, held my breath and knocked — then knocked again — then knocked again. There was no answer — and in the frozen fog of an early December morning, I shivered on the porch and cried.

After what seemed liked hours I gave in to the hopelessness and rejection of that closed door and made my way to the street to hitch hike back to my abuser. May be he would be sleeping. I could just sneak in and get warm, I told myself desperate to be somewhere off of the streets.

I did get a ride. Almost right away and for an instant I felt lucky. It took less than five minutes before the drivers hand was at my throat. Im going to kill you bitch he growled as he squeezed harder and drove far into the upper desert.

I cried and begged him not to hurt me. He told me to shut up. I plead some more and then I bargained. Please mister, Ill do anything you want, please, just dont kill me. He smiled and kept driving. At a desolate stretch of the highway he slowed down. I then took what was my only chance at survival and jumped out of the moving car. Bloody and bruised I ran towards a nearby onramp, flagging wildly at every vehicle that passed. To my great relief another couple, older this time, pulled over and let me in. I thanked them and breathlessly asked to be taken to the police.

The police systematically took down my story and checked my wounds. I had lost my slippers and tore my nightgown in the fall and was given a blanket to stay my shivering. Daylight crept in on us and I thought how this morning could have been so much different. I could have been lying on the side of the freeway, a rape and murder victim. When the police finished, they asked if they could take me to someones home perhaps back to my boyfriends.

I didnt understand. Why would they want to take me to him? I told them he hurt me. But I didnt say a word and exhausted I allowed myself to be driven back to my abuser.

He greeted us at the door and thanked the police for bringing me home to him. He put his arm around me and lovingly guided me inside, smiling and waving goodbye to the officers until the door was shut and they were gone. Then he turned to me and proceeded to savagely beat me, leaving me broken, bloody and alone for days.

In looking back, I dont know how I could be alive. I was a girl in a deadly relationship, who thought when she finally had the courage and opportunity to break away from her abuser she would be free and find help.

I wanted to shout please help me. I wanted someone to reach out to me and know what to do. I wanted someone to see me, see that I was in trouble and that I had been hurt. I wanted someone to be there with an answer, a solution, a number, a place anything.

But that wasnt the case. Instead it was a night where nearly every turn I made was more rejection and brutal assault.

If you are a victim or feel you are being victimized. If you know of someone who is or might be in danger, I URGE you to contact the womens center on campus or Shelter from the Storm and speak to someone who can help. We have numbers here at the table and flyers are being passed out. There are a broad range of services available for whatever stage of assistance you may need.

Lets educate ourselves. We can offer help. Real help. Please, dont let someone slip through the cracks because you didnt know they were reaching out.

I believe that we all have the ability to speak out against violence. We can all be the eyes, ears and temporary voice for someone who is in trouble. We CAN all be aware.

Before I go, Id like to make a shout out to my daughter. I want to tell her I adore her and think she is amazing.

Id like to end with a great quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.:

We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.

Thank you. And. Peace.

Hello everyone and thanks for waiting for me to post about my trip to New York. Here are a few amazing photos of an event I will remember for a lifetime.

This is the place. Rockafeller Center, Times Square…The Rainbow Room.

Here I am graced by Eunice Kennedy Shriver, founder of the Special Olympics.

Then doubly graced by Eunice and her sister Patricia Kennedy Lawson.

Here is Benjamin Bratt with Earnestine and Hope, both Volvo For Life Recipients from the previous years.

I’m happy to share these with you, dear readers, if only to show you that even if you have been at the bottom of life, it is possible to get up, dust yourself off and stand tall.

Blessings to you all,

Dawn

Ahhhh….finally a moment to breath. Saturday was my local shelter’s annual soup supper. Everyone at the shelter has been working overtime in order to make sure all went well and I am honored to say that I was asked to be the quest speaker. Below I’d like to share with you my speech:

Hello.

I hope you are all enjoying your dinner and the excitement of the auction this evening. It’s wonderful to see the turn out here tonight, not only to raise money for support against domestic violence and sexual assault, but also to bring awareness of the existence of these issues in our very own community.

If you don’t already know me, my name is Dawn…and I am a survivor of violence.

I was fifteen years old and surrounded by adults when I fell into the hands of a thirty-two-year-old porn star. In my ordeal with my abuser I was repeatedly beaten, sexually assaulted, verbally, emotionally and mentally abused. When my abuser became addicted to cocaine, he made sure I was addicted too. The situation escalated quickly with the drugs, and it wasn’t long before I was violently forced to walk the streets and traded to drug lords for a score. Four people died one summer because they double-crossed the wrong person, and my boyfriend stood in the middle of the crime with the bloodiest hands. I was in constant fear that I would be next.

I was in what I knew was hell. Not only was I trapped, but due to the brainwashing I received by my abuser, I BELEIVED that even if I did escape, no one, not even my family, would ever want me again. Still the need to survive prevailed. I had to get out and I tried to run. Not once, but many times. Yet he was always two-steps ahead of me, ready to beat me back into submission, proving that any attempt to leave was futile.

I desperately needed to escape the insurmountable pain my life had become and although my mind occasionally provided a temporary solace of disassociation, the continued abuse pushed me to the ultimate edge — attempting suicide. Fortunately, my attempts were unsuccessful. However, I again remained trapped in that terrible cycle of abuse. At the end of almost seven years, I was finally rescued from my abuser by an intervention of neighbors. They were strangers really, who were shocked to witness the “nice guy” they knew as my boyfriend, beat me at the pool while they were having lunch. That year was 1981.

Like so many others of domestic violence I had no idea my life was like a page from a psychology book — full of classic scenarios and syndromes. I never really understood that I was not to blame or that there was any help out there for “someone like me”. I was left in a lot of trouble and with a dependency to drugs and alcohol. But the most debilitating residuals of the abuse were the remorse, guilt, shame, incessant sense of worthlessness, and post-traumatic stress disorder that clung to me like an ominous shadow.

Twenty-five years have passed since I last saw my abuser and in those initial years I stumbled through life. By trial and error I found recovery, counseling, and spirit, what I consider to be turning points for me.  I carried a quote by Anis Nin in my purse for years. The words, although simple, encouraged me to keep going on some of my darkest days:

“And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to bloom.”

Today, I have walked through my fears and dealt with my past trauma. I have a beautiful daughter who I adore and live a good, full life. I’m also a hotline volunteer and have the honor of working with other survivors as well as caring individuals whose lives were never touched by aggression – all of us dedicated to advocacy against domestic violence and sexual assault.

At Shelter from the Storm I have witnessed the commitment to raising the bottom for a victim and can truly appreciate how they provide opportunities to wellness. From the after care counseling programs, attention given to children, assistance with restraining orders, shelter, the amazing SART program, teen advocacy and much, much more. Services that weren’t available to protect me when I was fifteen, or help me after I escaped in 1981.

I have tremendous gratitude for the intervention that saved me from my abuser’s grasp, and the shelter I received afterwards. It was the beginning of stepping out of hell for me. I believe that we all have the ability to speak out against violence. We can all be the eyes, ears and temporary voice for someone who is in trouble. We CAN all be aware.

I’d like to end with a great quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.:

“We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.”

Thank you.

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It was a bit difficult to get up and speak to an audience of over two hundred people, but the warmth and gratitude of many, made it worth it. We really CAN all be aware!

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Blessings,
Dawn