Happy Saturday to you all.

Last Friday evening, my local university’s Womens Center held a “Take Back the Night” rally at our town square. Along with another wonderful presenter, I was asked to speak. So below is what I threw together on that day to share with the audience. I kept in my favorite quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. and message of awareness here as I had written into my presentation at the Soup Supper because I believe so much that we all need to be reminded that we can help. But other than that, this is something new and I thought I would share it with you.

Peace,
Dawn

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Hello….my name is Dawn….and I am a survivor of violence.

When I heard there would be a “Take Back the Night” March and I was asked if I might want to share part of my experience as a survivor, my first thought was…where do I begin?

Out of a mind numbing litany of painful days from six years of an abusive past — one day in particular — one 24 hour period — jumped clearly to the forefront of mind. It was what I call my “worst day” and my “darkest night”

At the height of abuse in a relationship that started when I was fifteen and my abuser thirty two, I sat one evening in a dilapidated motel room with my boyfriend and watched with mounting dread as he drained the last drop of cocaine out of an exhausted pipe. I knew he was about to snap and he would do what had become a sick and twisted pattern… he would lash out, punch me, hit me, slap me, pin me down in any cruel way he could and rape me to vent his rage. I began to cower as his lip curled and his boodshot glare shot daggers of hate in my direction. He leapt up from his chair to grab me, and I made a mad dash for the door. I didn’t make it and a struggle ensued. But this time it was different. This time his hands slipped and I miraculously was able to make a second try for the door and race out into the night.

Wearing only my night shirt and slippers I bound across a busy intersection and into a local convenience store, begging for help from anyone as I hid behind the store clerk. Nobody knew what to do with me. A young frightened couple agreed to take me somewhere safe after having seen my boyfriend lurking outside, but the only address I had was a long shot, a friend, who my boyfriend had long ago distanced me from. It was the only place I hoped I could go and spend a safe night.

The couple let me off on the street in front of my friend’s house and drove off, not waiting to see if I would find safety, only glad to be relieved of the responsibility of me. I approached her door, held my breath and knocked — then knocked again — then knocked again. There was no answer — and in the frozen fog of an early December morning, I shivered on the porch and cried.

After what seemed liked hours I gave in to the hopelessness and rejection of that closed door and made my way to the street to hitch hike back to my abuser. May be he would be sleeping. I could just sneak in and get warm, I told myself desperate to be somewhere off of the streets.

I did get a ride. Almost right away – and for an instant I felt lucky. It took less than five minutes before the driver’s hand was at my throat. “I’m going to kill you bitch” he growled as he squeezed harder and drove far into the upper desert.

I cried and begged him not to hurt me. He told me to shut up. I plead some more and then I bargained. Please mister, I’ll do anything you want, please, just don’t kill me. He smiled and kept driving. At a desolate stretch of the highway he slowed down. I then took what was my only chance at survival and jumped out of the moving car. Bloody and bruised I ran towards a nearby onramp, flagging wildly at every vehicle that passed. To my great relief another couple, older this time, pulled over and let me in. I thanked them and breathlessly asked to be taken to the police.

The police systematically took down my story and checked my wounds. I had lost my slippers and tore my nightgown in the fall and was given a blanket to stay my shivering. Daylight crept in on us and I thought how this morning could have been so much different. I could have been lying on the side of the freeway, a rape and murder victim. When the police finished, they asked if they could take me to someone’s home…perhaps back to my boyfriends.

I didn’t understand. Why would they want to take me to him? I told them he hurt me. But I didn’t say a word and exhausted I allowed myself to be driven back to my abuser.

He greeted us at the door and thanked the police for bringing me home to him. He put his arm around me and lovingly guided me inside, smiling and waving goodbye to the officers until the door was shut and they were gone. Then he turned to me and proceeded to savagely beat me, leaving me broken, bloody and alone for days.

In looking back, I don’t know how I could be alive. I was a girl in a deadly relationship, who thought when she finally had the courage and opportunity to break away from her abuser she would be free and find help.

I wanted to shout please help me. I wanted someone to reach out to me and know what to do. I wanted someone to see me, see that I was in trouble and that I had been hurt. I wanted someone to be there….with an answer, a solution, a number, a place….anything.

But that wasn’t the case. Instead it was a night where nearly every turn I made was more rejection and brutal assault.

If you are a victim or feel you are being victimized. If you know of someone who is or might be in danger, I URGE you to contact the women’s center on campus or Shelter from the Storm and speak to someone who can help. We have numbers here at the table … and flyers are being passed out. There are a broad range of services available for whatever stage of assistance you may need.

Let’s educate ourselves. We can offer help. Real help. Please, don’t let someone slip through the cracks because you didn’t know they were reaching out.

I believe that we all have the ability to speak out against violence. We can all be the eyes, ears and temporary voice for someone who is in trouble. We CAN all be aware.

Before I go, I’d like to make a shout out to my daughter. I want to tell her I adore her and think she is amazing.

I’d like to end with a great quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.:

“We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.”

Thank you. And. Peace.

Hello everyone and thanks for waiting for me to post about my trip to New York. Here are a few amazing photos of an event I will remember for a lifetime.

This is the place. Rockafeller Center, Times Square…The Rainbow Room.

Here I am graced by Eunice Kennedy Shriver, founder of the Special Olympics.

Then doubly graced by Eunice and her sister Patricia Kennedy Lawson.

Here is Benjamin Bratt with Earnestine and Hope, both Volvo For Life Recipients from the previous years.

I’m happy to share these with you, dear readers, if only to show you that even if you have been at the bottom of life, it is possible to get up, dust yourself off and stand tall.

Blessings to you all,

Dawn

Time for me to let you all in on what’s been going on in my life lately. Next Wednesday, April 12th 2006, in New York, Volvo car company is honoring 9 semi-finalists who were nominated on their website as everyday heroes. The categories are environment, quality of life and safety. In a strange turn of events I have been lucky enough to be invited to this wonderful event. The heroes on this year’s list are amazing. I am completely humbled and deeply inspired by these heroes. Please go to Volvo For Life Awards to check out the great job Volvo has done to reward those people who simply try to give back to their communities in gratitude for what they have received in life and/or for simply doing what is “right”.

Remember, this is a yearly event. You also can nominate an everyday hero from your neighborhood. Speak up for someone you know who is doing good works. Say thank you to a real hero!

Blessings,

Dawn

P.S. I promise to post lots of pictures when I return.

Ahhhh….finally a moment to breath. Saturday was my local shelter’s annual soup supper. Everyone at the shelter has been working overtime in order to make sure all went well and I am honored to say that I was asked to be the quest speaker. Below I’d like to share with you my speech:

Hello.

I hope you are all enjoying your dinner and the excitement of the auction this evening. It’s wonderful to see the turn out here tonight, not only to raise money for support against domestic violence and sexual assault, but also to bring awareness of the existence of these issues in our very own community.

If you don’t already know me, my name is Dawn…and I am a survivor of violence.

I was fifteen years old and surrounded by adults when I fell into the hands of a thirty-two-year-old porn star. In my ordeal with my abuser I was repeatedly beaten, sexually assaulted, verbally, emotionally and mentally abused. When my abuser became addicted to cocaine, he made sure I was addicted too. The situation escalated quickly with the drugs, and it wasn’t long before I was violently forced to walk the streets and traded to drug lords for a score. Four people died one summer because they double-crossed the wrong person, and my boyfriend stood in the middle of the crime with the bloodiest hands. I was in constant fear that I would be next.

I was in what I knew was hell. Not only was I trapped, but due to the brainwashing I received by my abuser, I BELEIVED that even if I did escape, no one, not even my family, would ever want me again. Still the need to survive prevailed. I had to get out and I tried to run. Not once, but many times. Yet he was always two-steps ahead of me, ready to beat me back into submission, proving that any attempt to leave was futile.

I desperately needed to escape the insurmountable pain my life had become and although my mind occasionally provided a temporary solace of disassociation, the continued abuse pushed me to the ultimate edge — attempting suicide. Fortunately, my attempts were unsuccessful. However, I again remained trapped in that terrible cycle of abuse. At the end of almost seven years, I was finally rescued from my abuser by an intervention of neighbors. They were strangers really, who were shocked to witness the “nice guy” they knew as my boyfriend, beat me at the pool while they were having lunch. That year was 1981.

Like so many others of domestic violence I had no idea my life was like a page from a psychology book — full of classic scenarios and syndromes. I never really understood that I was not to blame or that there was any help out there for “someone like me”. I was left in a lot of trouble and with a dependency to drugs and alcohol. But the most debilitating residuals of the abuse were the remorse, guilt, shame, incessant sense of worthlessness, and post-traumatic stress disorder that clung to me like an ominous shadow.

Twenty-five years have passed since I last saw my abuser and in those initial years I stumbled through life. By trial and error I found recovery and counseling, what I consider to be turning points for me.

I’d like to share with you this quote by Anis Nin that I carried in my purse for years. These words encouraged me to keep going on some of my darkest days:

“And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to bloom.”

Today, I have walked through my fears and dealt with my past trauma. I have a beautiful daughter who I adore and live a good, full life. I’m also a hotline volunteer and have the honor of working with other survivors as well as caring individuals whose lives were never touched by aggression – all of us dedicated to advocacy against domestic violence and sexual assault.

At Shelter from the Storm I have witnessed the commitment to raising the bottom for a victim and can truly appreciate how they provide opportunities to wellness. From the after care counseling programs, attention given to children, assistance with restraining orders, shelter, the amazing SART program, teen advocacy and much, much more. Services that weren’t available to protect me when I was fifteen, or help me after I escaped in 1981.

I have tremendous gratitude for the intervention that saved me from my abuser’s grasp, and the shelter I received afterwards. It was the beginning of stepping out of hell for me. I believe that we all have the ability to speak out against violence. We can all be the eyes, ears and temporary voice for someone who is in trouble. We CAN all be aware.

I’d like to end with a great quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.:

“We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.”

Thank you.

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It was a bit difficult to get up and speak to an audience of over two hundred people, but the warmth and gratitude of many, made it worth it. We really CAN all be aware!

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Blessings,
Dawn

I promise to post soon friends. There are so many wonderful things happening that I want to share with you in the world of advocacy against domestic violence and sexual assault. I have been busy with the hotline and writing, but also I have focused on speaking at several upcoming shelter charities. I am very excited about this new phase in having a voice and as a result have met so many wonderful advocates that I am truly humbled.

But for now, it is late and I just had to wish everyone all the love that life has to offer on this Valentine’s Day.

Blessings to you all….

Dawn

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Hello all! I have mentioned in an earlier post a new friend, great singer, and amazing advocate for women, Sally Anthony. I’d like to introduce you to her a bit more personally. I am proud to call Sally a friend. She approached me through this site as an honest, down to earth, compassionate woman who had nothing but a strong desire to reach out to a survivor of violence. Her sincerity was real and her heart was in the right place. Her sensitive vision read between the lines of the film Wonderland and recognized the emotional, physical and mental pain the real characters experienced that wasn’t obviously played out on the screen. My respect for her grew as she shared her thoughts for a future with a world of women and men made more aware of the issue of abuse and her passion for helping a battered soul to find courage and strength to overcome the pain. Her dedication to the cause is an inspiration and, by the way, her music is awesome! We need more voices like hers. Sally Anthony, you rock!

Lots of Love your way,

Dawn

To everyone, and I mean everyone… Wishing you a wonderful new year, showered with good health, laughter, creativity and abundance of all that brings you peace and contentment.

To those of you who have suffered any sort of abuse….may you see yourself as wonderful and know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that YOU ARE DEARLY LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!

Many blessings always,

Dawn

I am very grateful to those of you who are being so patient for news of my book and appreciate everyone of you.

I never thought in the beginning that it would take this long, but I also knew nothing about the publishing business. Although there is little I can do to expedite things, I want you all to know that I have been diligent with my efforts, never giving up or dropping the ball. Every rewrite or new write, that my agent has requested, I have gathered my strength, wits, and friends in order to complete her request, no matter how painful. I have my writing critiqued regularly by my local university professors and other writers in my area. I expand my knowledge of the hard truth of abuse by volunteering at my local shelter and being pro active in my community about the cause. I try to take care of myself, so that I am truly able to send a message of hope.

By living my life not only as a survivor, but as someone who no matter what curve balls life throws at me, doesn’t ever become a victim again, takes some practice and a lot of help. As some of you may have read by my recent posts, I have had some personal struggles lately. But I am not down. Thanks to many acts of kindness and love sent my way amazing things are happening and doors are opening. In particular, I want to give a shout out to a wonderful woman, an advocate, Sally Anthony, who is an amazing singer with a heart of gold. Her willingness to stand up and speak out for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault is truly inspiring. Thanks Sally, and I hope to be helping you raise awareness soon.

The wonderful thing is that word of mouth is growing strong and miraculously the book is gaining support.

Be well friends and I will keep you posted of the many upcoming events that are being planned….of course.

Dawn

Hello Everyone,

This is a picture of a missing teacher from Georgia. Her friends have asked me to please post this message and I am happy to help. If you or anyone has any information regarding Tara Grinstead, please contact the email in the message below.

Thank you,

Dawn

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Hi Dawn,

I am a teacher in South Georgia, and a teacher in my school (Tara Grinstead) is missing. She has been missing for a month (Oct. 22). We are trying to get her picture and information out so maybe someone in the United States will recognize her and let us know if she is still alive. She is very well respected in Ocilla, GA and her hometown of Hawkinsville, GA. and we will love for her to come home. If you are interested in helping us find Tara, email me at angieregister (at) hotmail.com.

Thanks you so much Dawn!!!
Angie Register

Please help us!!!!!

Hello everyone! I hope you are all enjoying a wonderful turkey day and some days off. I know it has been quite some time since I have written…I have been going through some difficult emotional times lately, as I mentioned in a previous post, as well as alot of work and deadlines and have simply been too overloaded to post. I do feel bad. October came and went without any mention from me about how it was Domestic Violence Awareness month. I did march in the parade with my daughter again this year, (she wore her fairy wings, of course) and have been keeping up with my hotline volunteer commitments. This weekend is actually my hotline commitment again, but so far the phone has been quiet. I am told by other staff that it isn’t unusual for people to try to hold things together during the holidays. I find this kind of scary, because I know that something is bound to blow after “holding things together”. Soon the eggshells….then the expolsion.

This week my daughter turned 6 years old as well. My goodness, can any one child have so many people love her? She has a sparkle that brings a smile to people’s faces, especially mine. We walked through town today, to do some of that after Thanksgiving shopping and every single shop keeper ended up in deep conversations with her about how they ran their stores. Then my daughter offered to help them either fold their clothes for display or arrange flowers for customers and sure enough, every one of them said yes and showed her the ropes of their shops. This is a fun little girl with alot of confidence. She knows that “she can”. What a great miracle to witness. My daughter, a child of an abuse victim, me, happy and full of that wonderful thing called self-esteem and confidence. This is priceless….

Happy Holidays Friends. I hope you are all well. I am still going through alot, but am better and am so grateful to you for your warm, supportive comments.

Be well and many, many blessings,

Dawn