For anyone who might want a gander, I have been graciously given these two pics from the VKN people. Above is a group shot of the Wonderland Premiere. What an impressive group of actors! Standing next to Josh Lucas just before the shot, he looked down at me and asked, “Are you scared?” His meaning, I thought, was whether I was nervous about seeing the final version of the film. “Yes”, I told him. Then afterwards I wondered if he might have meant if I was scared of all the people — because the crowds were certainly overwhelming!

I don’t know who took the picture below, but it is with Val Kilmer and Ali Alborzi (pictured) at Val’s Wonderland Art Show in Santa Monica. It was amazing to see the turn out and the appreciation for the art, (I will be posting more information on the artwork very soon). The short-haired gentleman is none other than David Mamet — writer, director of Spartan, a film in which Val was in the process of shooting the lead role. This was definately a more relaxed evening and tons of fun. Amazing things can happen in life, blessings abound. Who would have ever thought after such a terrible past, that I would be standing in the company of such talented, well esteemed people as an equal and a friend.

Enjoy and I’ll try to keep more pictures coming!

Very quickly I’d like to pass on that the BBC piece called, “The Secret Map of Hollywood”, which covers the Wonderland murders, will be aired in February instead of December as previously posted.

Thanks,

Dawn

First, I would like to say thank you and welcome to the many people who have logged on to this site to inquire about my book, send good wishes, and to share their experiences and hope. My intentions for this site were to do just that and I feel I am truly blessed when I log on and read how some of you can relate on a personal level and how powerful it is to know that you can turn your life around and come out whole. When we all share, we are all inspired.

On a side note I would like to say to those very, very few who have posted messages …shall we say… of a negative nature, this site is not for that. If you feel a need to be judgmental, don’t like what I have to say or doubt my words because you have read “somewhere” that I said something that appears a conflict, those comments simply will not be posted here. What I can say is that everything I post is the truth as I experienced it and at times I am simply not able to give more details because my agent won’t allow it due to the book. There is nothing more to say here except…more will be revealed.

Happily, so far, I have mostly read genuine comments from the heart. We know who we are and we know the truth when we hear it. I cannot tell you how moved I am when I read the words of a fellow survivor. It is an indescribable feeling of freedom, joy and yes, victory. Somehow, all the pain of the past flashes before my eyes and I know it was for a reason — it was for you. All of your voices, posted here on this simple site, tell me loud and clear that I am in the right place, doing the right thing and I thank you.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

Dawn

P.S. My new computer arrives next week and I will finally be able to post more often. Thank you.

Count them…write them down…the things you are grateful for. “I can’t”, I think. But today, it’s because there are simply too many! My heart is full. Faces seem to float to the top of my thoughts. My daughter’s beautiful smile…my family…good friends…a home…a warm bed…having enough. Yes enough. I am not hungry, I have purpose in my life. My deeds are well intended and I feel whole.

At first, in the beginning of getting well, I saw nothing — everything was dark to me. This pain, my pain, had to stop I decided, and so I made a committment to find my elusive light. A friend, Nan, who had offered me help, gave me instructions. “Write them down”, she told me in an absolute tone, “Even if you don’t feel it. Write down at least three things everyday that are gifts you are grateful for. Do this everyday, say thank you and more will come…I promise.”

‘What a crazy task’, I balked, but I did them anyway. I said I would.

1. My dog.
2. Pizza.
3. Sleep.

My list stayed pretty much the same for many months, I remember, except the pizza, and sooner than I realized, my view of the world began to get lighter. Suddenly, I could move a little better — freer, instead of constantly stumbling in the dark. I couldn’t put my finger on it — there was just more color everywhere — and for some reason I was surrounded by it. Miraculously, I realized, with gratitude, I was in the presence of the beginning of hope.

Those days have turned to years now and when I hear the words of my good friend Nan say, “Write them down,” instead of a list of three, I am guided to this computer to do just that.

Be grateful!

Dawn

Recently I watched Mystic River, putting it off for months after it’s initial release. From the previews I knew it would be an emotionally painful movie…I had no idea.

From the start of the movie I was uneasy…I could tell… For someone like me it was a given. With dreaded anticipation of what I knew was bound to come, I alternated with sitting and watching the screen through a couch pillow and running into the kitchen with shouts to my husband to call me when the murder scene was over.

“Oh my God!” I yelled out, “I can’t believe I’m watching this movie!” I circled the wooden floor, pacing like a caged animal. The mortifyingly cruel injustice Tim Robbins character was subjected to, scorched my senses. ‘This is a fictious story’, I kept telling myself, but my gut knew better. What my gut knew, was the terrible pain of the scars of a victim and the double-edged dagger of being misunderstood to the point of persecution. Wow! This movie really pulled my triggers.

When my husband finally called me back into the room, I was emotionally drained. I don’t remember what I did next, probably ate a big bowl of ice cream, but I know I wanted to forget…forget the emotions this movie had stirred in me.

Then, only a few weeks later, a quote from a poster named “Joe”, caught my eye and my heart. It is beautiful, and because it had such a warming effect on me, I wanted to share it with everyone at the top of this weblog.

“I always thought this Oscar acceptance speech (for “Mystic River”) by actor Tim Robbins had a great message for abused people: “In this movie, I play a victim of abuse and violence and if you are out there and are a person that has – had that tragedy befall you, there is no shame and no weakness in seeking help and counseling. It is sometimes the strongest thing that you can do to stop the cycle of violence. Thank you.”

Wholeheartly I agree. For me there was no other way out of that hell. And I am out, I know it. Come to think of it, that bowl of ice cream wasn’t as big as I thought it was anyway.

Thanks Joe, for sharing.

Dawn

I had promised to post a topic on drugs a few days ago, but in actuality I had already created it last month when this site began because this is a topic that should not be overlooked. The reason being, for me, drugs were so horribly devastating and their nature so cruelly incidious, that in order to overcome my past I had to face the issue of drugs and not sweep them under the rug as I was so tempted to do. In my life, there were long term effects with no easy short term answers.

At age fifteen, when I met John, I had already smoked pot and in fact pot was a medium that John used to get closer to me. Once our relationship was established, I was not allowed to smoke pot anymore, except on those occassions when he brought it home and we actually did go through a period of not smoking anything at all. At that time drugs were not important to me. What was important, I thought, was that I felt as though I was in love with John and John was (possessively), in love with me. The drugs came back into my life when John brought them in and in the end he brought not only pot, but cocaine and freebase, and he brought them in with a vengence.

I can’t deny the effects cocaine and freebase had on my system. I was emaciated and many times craved it to take away the pain that my reality had become. Eventually, after getting away from John, I rejected any kind of drug in my life blaming them for every horrible thing that he ever did to me. But there was still alcohol…and depression…and fear…and insecurity. Those crippling elements that remained behind and took me years to filter through.

Today I am clean AND sober and I have been for many years. I also have had years of counseling. The issues of depression, shame, guilt, remorse and post traumatic stress syndrome were so severe that the only true relief for me was to muster the courage to confront my past and my pain, clearing the road to learn and grow. It is what has worked for me.

I will never underestimate the damage that drugs can create in a person’s life. In writing my book, it was of the uttmost importance for me to honestly detail the path, the seemingly harmless road, that drugs lured us down. My story unfolds in the late seventies and early eighties. No one really knew how high a price we would all have to pay back then. It is my understanding that Cocaine Anonymous wasn’t even established until 1981, the year of the Wonderland Murders. Today, as a survior, I find myself in the obvious role of passing down my story, perhaps offering a more educated view of the truth behind the seduction of drugs.

Take care of yourselves. Value yours and other’s lives. We are all worth it and for those times that it may not seem like it, remember life has much more to offer than any drug can supply.

Blessings,
Dawn

It is probably a bit late at this point to talk about beginnings, but I’ve been spending some time reflecting on what it is exactly that I want to have on this log. What was my intention? How did this come about? The creation of this place happened by sheer coincidence, (if you believe in such a thing), and you may have read a previous post where I thanked the people, (angels), that made it possible. Really, it was a sudden influx of heartfelt voices that set the wheels of this log in motion, and here I sit, reflecting…

Walking in a warm Autumn evening with the season’s leaves gently swirling in the breeze at my feet, I think about how happy I am to be alive and how remarkable it is that I am in a place of contentment with the world. My young daughter is by my side and all is well. We talk about spirit and prayer and even though she is but four years old, deep down inside of me I know she “gets it”. I feel blessed to be able to show her the way and it brings me great joy to see her thrive in the sharing of these moments.

“Mom! Here are some special wishing leaves. Let’s make a wish!” she exclaims with true conviction, and hands me half her handful excitedly. Holding the other half of leaves over her head, she whispers to the wind her heart’s desires and lets them go with a smile that knows “it worked”.

“Your turn Mom”, she tells me, and I happily see no alternative but to follow suit. Laughing together we hug afterwards and decide to lay down on a patch of neighbor’s lawn to look up at the stars in the sky and say whatever is on our minds. ‘This is why I am here today’, I think to myself, and at this point in time I see how life is perfect and how I am living my own heart’s desire. This, I think, is very much what I want to say on this log.

What I try not to do is pass down the pain or the can’ts, the less thans, the hopelessness, or the never enoughs. I don’t willingly give life to the very things I struggled to overcome, nor consciously present them as gifts. Some of these are obvious and some aren’t and so I try to remain attentive to my actions on a daily basis. Do I slack off or fall behind? Yes. But my commitment to myself, others and life, picks me up again, dusts me off and the end result is that my world just keeps getting better.

Today is my niece’s birthday. She shares this day with John Lennon and there is a peacefulness in the air. She is fifteen years old — the same age as I was when I first met John Holmes. Unlike me at that age, she is having a slumber party, eating pizza, practicing her dance moves and doing hair. How happy I am for her, how truly happy.

What is this place? Somewhere to share expressions, pasts, pains, loves, loses, triumphs, spirit, healing and freedom. Here is a place, a home, for my friends and family, met and as yet unmet.

What is this place? Humm. Let’s see… A vision. A small point of light in space, (cyberspace), where colors, born of darkness and light, cast out into infinity the warm promises of hope. A grand scale idea indeed… A grand scale idea…

Blessings,
Dawn

Hello,

Just spoke with the producers of the BBC special, “The Secret Map of Hollywood”, which is a six-part documentary featuring Hollywood’s most notorious crimes. The Wonderland Murders will be highlighted as one of it’s parts and last June Sharon and myself were interviewed for the piece. It was originally my understanding that the airing would be in September, but that has changed. The finalization of the piece has taken longer than expected in post-production due to a tremendous amount of complex graphics that are being added. The word from the BBC is that they are very pleased with the Wonderland portion and the entire six segments will be aired instead in December this year. I’ll keep you posted as I know more hoping you will do the same. Thanks.

Dawn

A proud presence. Some very special people make a stand at the Domestic Violence Vigil on October 1st. Every “nine seconds” an act of violence is committed against a loved one/partner. To the victim, it is an indescribable hell with no safe way out! Help create awareness in your community. Contact your local shelter and find out what you can do. You can make a difference…we all can.
Blessings.

The amazing piece of art that lines the heading of this site, is a cropped section of a massive collage created by Val Kilmer and Ali Alborzi. It consists mainly of many different photos that were taken during the filming of Wonderland.

This piece is also one of my favorites and without a doubt the most cathartic for me. It is called, “I’m So Sorry”, aptly named because the entire thing is covered with the words “I’m sorry”. Transformed through the eyes of Val and Ali, the familiar visual images of my past, and those simple words, engulf me in a powerful way. To me, for as long as this art exists, John’s image will be offering his apologies and like a divine gift from beyond the grave, my heart is given a great measure of solace.

Thank you Val and Ali! You are good people.

Dawn