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What is this Place?


Count them...write them down...the things you are grateful for. "I can't", I think. But today, it's because there are simply too many! My heart is full. Faces seem to float to the top of my thoughts. My daughter's beautiful family...good friends...a home...a warm bed...having enough. Yes enough. I am not hungry, I have purpose in my life. My deeds are well intended and I feel whole. At first, in the beginning of getting well, I saw nothing -- everything was dark to me. This pain, my pain, had to stop I decided, and so I made a committment to find my elusive light. A friend, Nan, who had offered me help, gave me instructions. "Write them down", she told me in an absolute tone, "Even if you don't feel it. Write down at least three things everyday that are gifts you are grateful for. Do this everyday, say thank you and more will come...I promise."

'What a crazy task', I balked, but I did them anyway. I said I would.

1. My dog. 2. Pizza. 3. Sleep.

My list stayed pretty much the same for many months, I remember, except the pizza, and sooner than I realized, my view of the world began to get lighter. Suddenly, I could move a little better -- freer, instead of constantly stumbling in the dark. I couldn't put my finger on it -- there was just more color everywhere -- and for some reason I was surrounded by it. Miraculously, I realized, with gratitude, I was in the presence of the beginning of hope.

Those days have turned to years now and when I hear the words of my good friend Nan say, "Write them down," instead of a list of three, I am guided to this computer to do just that.

Be grateful!



It is probably a bit late at this point to talk about beginnings, but I've been spending some time reflecting on what it is exactly that I want to have on this log. What was my intention? How did this come about? The creation of this place happened by sheer coincidence, (if you believe in such a thing), and you may have read a previous post where I thanked the people, (angels), that made it possible. Really, it was a sudden influx of heartfelt voices that set the wheels of this log in motion, and here I sit, reflecting... Walking in a warm Autumn evening with the season's leaves gently swirling in the breeze at my feet, I think about how happy I am to be alive and how remarkable it is that I am in a place of contentment with the world. My young daughter is by my side and all is well. We talk about spirit and prayer and even though she is but four years old, deep down inside of me I know she "gets it". I feel blessed to be able to show her the way and it brings me great joy to see her thrive in the sharing of these moments.

"Mom! Here are some special wishing leaves. Let's make a wish!" she exclaims with true conviction, and hands me half her handful excitedly. Holding the other half of leaves over her head, she whispers to the wind her heart's desires and lets them go with a smile that knows "it worked".

"Your turn Mom", she tells me, and I happily see no alternative but to follow suit. Laughing together we hug afterwards and decide to lay down on a patch of neighbor's lawn to look up at the stars in the sky and say whatever is on our minds. 'This is why I am here today', I think to myself, and at this point in time I see how life is perfect and how I am living my own heart's desire. This, I think, is very much what I want to say on this log.

What I try not to do is pass down the pain or the can'ts, the less thans, the hopelessness, or the never enoughs. I don't willingly give life to the very things I struggled to overcome, nor consciously present them as gifts. Some of these are obvious and some aren't and so I try to remain attentive to my actions on a daily basis. Do I slack off or fall behind? Yes. But my commitment to myself, others and life, picks me up again, dusts me off and the end result is that my world just keeps getting better.

Today is my niece's birthday. She shares this day with John Lennon and there is a peacefulness in the air. She is fifteen years old -- the same age as I was when I first met John Holmes. Unlike me at that age, she is having a slumber party, eating pizza, practicing her dance moves and doing hair. How happy I am for her, how truly happy.

What is this place? Somewhere to share expressions, pasts, pains, loves, loses, triumphs, spirit, healing and freedom. Here is a place, a home, for my friends and family, met and as yet unmet.

What is this place? Humm. Let's see... A vision. A small point of light in space, (cyberspace), where colors, born of darkness and light, cast out into infinity the warm promises of hope. A grand scale idea indeed... A grand scale idea...

Blessings, Dawn