Hotline & Soup Supper...

Just finished my first all-nighter with the hotline phone from the Shelter and I didn't sleep a wink. No the phone didn't ring, which is a good thing, but just the thought that it might kept me from dropping off into blissful rest. Although it is normal, I didn't think I would act this way. Answering the phone at the Shelter is completely different than having it next to your bed. I asked my husband to come get me should it ring while I was in the shower and he quickly responded, "take in there with you!" I had to laugh cause he was feeling the same way I was, nervous that it should ring and be an emergency. Now don't get me wrong, I have all the training, know all the rules, have all the contact numbers and reference materials in a big back pack that comes with the phone, but I just couldn't help the feeling of its presence, looming over my shoulder, ready to jump. I actually found myself chanting to it, "please don't ring...please don't ring," and felt like a wimp for doing so. Thankfully, the Soup Supper fund raiser was this evening and I was able to bring it along, hidden safely in my coat pocket. A great sense of comfort came over me being surrounded by all the volunteers, staff and board of directors who were working the event and I finally relaxed. Our volunteer coordinator approached me immediately to ask if I was alright, knowing it was my first overnighter, and I gushed out all of my fears even though there had been no calls. What a great system, I thought, that everyone listens and cares so attentively...and no one thought I was a wimp! I learned alot about my community and felt I belonged.

Peace and blessings to all... And go volunteer. Cause even if the phone doesn't ring, and you weren't able to place someone in a safe house or offer some kind of help, you'll be surprised at what YOU get out of it.

Dawn

Happy Valentines Day

Bogged down for the past two weeks with taxes, contracts and lawyers, I haven't really had the time or the energy to sit and write anything that would make much sense, nor did I want to mention more of the worrying health issues that my little Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, was suffering. (Yes, she was named Tinkerbell many years before Paris Hilton named her Chihuahua Tinkerbell, thank you.) Ten days ago she had a very serious surgery and her heart murmur was much worse, but today she is recovering wonderfully I am more than happy to report. My friend Linda who has just recieved a clean bill of health after a terrible series of chemotheraphy treatments is well enough to call me again in the mornings making sure I have worked on my book the night before. Today she anounced she's throwing a "kicking cancer's ass" party in May when the weather warms up. "We are having a Mariachi (sp) band in the yard and a bar-b-que", she tells me then asks if I mind if there is alchohol there. "Good greif, no!" I tell her, thinking she should do as she damn well pleases and feeling glad that it truly doesn't bother me to be around people who drink. Hell, I'll probably do more dancing sober, I'm so happy for her.

My agent and I are on track and working hard again. I know some of you have been wondering about the status of the book and well, I can tell you that I have a great team together and the editing is going full force. I can't thank you all enough for your patience. Just thought I'd mention that.

So Valentine's Day is here and almost gone. I had a pretty nice one. Flowers and candy were delivered to my office by my husband. (He snuck in when I wasn't there.) My daughter drew me over ten pictures with her new colored markers after she and her class sang Valentine's songs to the residents at the local Retirement Center. The kids were so great to watch. My husband and I bought her the pink and yellow Power Ranger (the girls) for her gift and we had a blast watching her tear into the package.

You know, life still has me facing some pretty big curve balls right now, meaning that I have some scary situations going on that I prefer not to mention at the moment. But today was a good day and I want to wish you all the same and let you know that I am doing my very best to get my book written, written well and from my heart. It is what I think is worth telling.

Blessings,

Dawn

The Lioness in Winter

An unusual wave of warm weather has washed over my town and although the trees are still bare, the sun is shining and the promise of spring seems near. But this has just been the beginning of some great news. On a post I made back in October, a dear friend of mine, Linda, was going through a terrible time with chemotherapy. Six treatments, so torturous, that I couldn't bring myself to post more about them or her fight in early December to come out of a coma. We were all very, very scared, stepping on every moment carefully as if it would shatter into our last together. Linda is a writer, and a good one at that. She is also a huge giver and has shared so freely her support and motivation in my writing. Before she got sick, we spoke daily and passionately about all aspects of writing, life and friendship, but when her treatments began the focus had to be on her health and I have missed her. I call her Lioness, as it is a name she gave herself years ago when she began writing. (Also songbird and rooster, but I don't like them as well). It is a name of strength and courage and if ever the character of a name should fit a person, it is now. Linda called me. After treatments of chemo, blood poisoning, hair loss and struggling back from a coma, she called to tell me her cat scan came back CANCER FREE! I danced on the other end of the phone as she laughed. "Whooo Whooooo!" I cheered. "Now all we have to do is have a hair growing party!"

"Oh, you", she giggled, knowing I liked to tease. "It will come back. It will, it will."

'I know it will', I thought with certainty, and I felt the triumphant pride of a true lioness having won a terrible winter battle stretch across the long telephone line, and I was glad to have my friend back.

Keeping the Faith....

Lately, I've been hibernating. On an emotional level, I mean. 'So what? It's winter isn't it?' I rationalize, even though I'm a bit annoyed with myself, ever cautious that I don't get depressed. There is days old snow on the ground and the leaves are gone off of the exposed brown limbs of the trees. There are contracts, books, agents, jobs, research and general catching up to do from the holidays, but that's not what's bothering me. Too much, it seems, of an emotional nature, has been going on in my life as some of you may have read from my recent posts, and I have just felt like I needed to pull back, become more reflective and remember to keep the faith. Tragedies and heartaches come at me sometimes rapidly and challenge my idea of what the world should be. In times like these, I am tempted to take on the "injustices" in life and question them, as if I have a right to put all things in order. Thankfully, I check my ego at the door rather quickly these days and I realize soon enough that that is not my job. I am not God. And the God of my experience is a faithful loving force, even if I don't always understand my own pain or the pain of the world.

You know, right about now it makes me laugh to think of someone's sarcastic remark made about me on another site, where I am called Oprah-like. If to have and recognize my spirit is Oprah-like then, how cool is that, I say. Oprah-like and damn proud! And...I'm keeping the faith.

Prayers

Hey all, Here is a somber post. A plea for prayers...please.

On the set of Wonderland I had the pleasure of getting to know the First Assistant Director, Luke Scully. He was mellow and kind, with many words and deeds that helped me cope with some of the harder shoots of the film. Sadly, he is among the many listed as missing in Phuket Thailand and today, after the family sent a private investigator, the news came back bleak. I hesitate to say anything final, except to continued the families wishes and focus on a shred of hope, asking anyone who may read this and is willing, to say a prayer, send a good thought, whatever you know how to do in a time like this, not only for Luke, but his family and girlfriend, Angie Foust. Angie was with him and is missing also.

Please, send those prayers and thoughts out...it is what we can do.

Blessings,

Dawn

VAL KILMER FANS!

Hey all, If you're interested, the wonderful people over at vkn.com have posted an article that Sharon Holmes and I did recently. Some of you have been asking about it and here it is. It is in the December issue of their newsletter. I know that many of you are Val Kilmer fans and I think you will have lots of good reading from the devoted people who post over there.

Also! Very, very soon, I want to give you a heads up with changes coming on the official Val Kilmer site that is currently in the works. It's an all new design and content scheduled to be up and running before the end of this month. The link is valkilmer.com and is also listed at the side of this blog. This one, I'm told, promises to be a glimpse into the creativity of the actor and if it in anyway reflects what I witnessed on the set of Wonderland, then we are all in for a treat.

Thanks again to everyone at VKN!

Dawn

Just in case...

Just in case...anyone is interested in a direct link to Patong Beach, Phuket, Thailand for tsunami information and/or relief updates, here is a link that my family stays close to: phuketgazette.net. There are pictures and a list of the still missing. For the gentleman named Movie Fan, there is information and links for contributions to the area directly. My father also said that The Red Cross is fine and you can designate your donation to go specifically to an area of your choice. Later, after a reasonable time, you can call and ask where directly did your funds go. The pictures here tell alot. It takes awhile to get through them. Good news on the dive shop that was next to my father's old place. They are all safe and had actually been on the ocean near Burma, I believe. My father informed me last night that phone lines are back up as of yesterday as well.

Tough stuff.

Dawn

Happy New Year!

Back from the coast with family and friends. Exhausted and trying to catch up on the emails, messages, and cards. So sweet -- all of your condolences regarding the loss of so many from Thailand. I will sit through your comments more thoroughly tomorrow, I promise. I only wanted to send the best out to all on the New Year! May your New Year be everything your hearts desire.

Blessings,

Dawn

PARADISE IS GONE!

Shock woke me this morning. My husband yelling, "DAWN! Thousands killed in Thailand. It's on the news. An 8.9 earthquake! Your Dad!" "WHAT?" I came running downstairs, my thoughts reeling. 'An earthquake? Oh God. An 8.9. If that hit the city of Bangkok, it would be leveled!'

CNN blasted the headlines as my husband handed me a cup of coffee. I held my breath... "The earthqake centered in Indonesia, launched tsunami waves up to 30 feet high washing away close to 200 people off the beaches of Patong Beach, Thailand."

"Oh my God", I whispered, still in shock as the pictures flashed before me the devestating remains of a place I called home for almost 6 years. Bangkok was safe. My father, brothers and sister were safe, but Paradise, the hotel on Patong Beach I helped my father open in 1982 -- the place I called sanctuary after running from John out of the country, was no where to be found.

In a matter of minutes the phone rang -- my sister on the other end. "Dawn. I just talked to Dad. It's gone -- all of it -- Paradise is gone."

'Oh no', I thought, 'what about all of our friends? What about all the people we knew that made that tiny community their home?'

"Dawn, you there?" my sister asked.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Do you know how lucky Dad is? How lucky we are?"

"Yeah. I know," and I was left without words. Our father sold the hotel less than two years ago. We were all there, on the oceanfront hotel he and I named Paradise some twenty years before. We were celebrating the change of ownership and ringing in the New Year of 2003. A beautiful bay off the Indian Ocean where, in the eighties, I taught windsurfing with a gentle yellow Lab who adopted me, and rented bicycles to tourists. The bells of those bicycles ring in my ear now. "Jaka-yan...Jaka-yan!" I can hear my voice calling out the word for bicycle in Thai. Then I realize, as I sit here and write, that the windchimes outside my door are ringing too...and I wait for more news.

Dawn

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Dear All, The presents are wrapped, the cards are all sent, there are cookies for Santa and my daughter and I are dressed in our holiday best. I'm taking a moment before running out the door to begin the holiday rounds of food and good cheer to wish you all the brightest...THE BEST...this season...and year.

Okay, for some reason that came out like a sort of poem. It may have to do with hanging around a five year old, but I somehow think it is als0 the child-like part of Christmas in me showing it's colors, readying me for celebration. Who cares? ...I'm just gonna go with it.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you to all who have sent good wishes and shared your experiences with me. I wish you all so much love, peace and especially hope. I have so many wonderful gifts in my life today...miracles do happen.

My daughter is anxious, I've been on the computer too long. She's calling from the front door, ready to leave. "Come on Mom," she says, "just say Merry Christmas and let's go!" There is great wisdom in children.

Merry Christmas,

Dawn

Premiere and Gallery Pics!

For anyone who might want a gander, I have been graciously given these two pics from the VKN people. Above is a group shot of the Wonderland Premiere. What an impressive group of actors! Standing next to Josh Lucas just before the shot, he looked down at me and asked, "Are you scared?" His meaning, I thought, was whether I was nervous about seeing the final version of the film. "Yes", I told him. Then afterwards I wondered if he might have meant if I was scared of all the people -- because the crowds were certainly overwhelming!

I don't know who took the picture below, but it is with Val Kilmer and Ali Alborzi (pictured) at Val's Wonderland Art Show in Santa Monica. It was amazing to see the turn out and the appreciation for the art, (I will be posting more information on the artwork very soon). The short-haired gentleman is none other than David Mamet -- writer, director of Spartan, a film in which Val was in the process of shooting the lead role. This was definately a more relaxed evening and tons of fun. Amazing things can happen in life, blessings abound. Who would have ever thought after such a terrible past, that I would be standing in the company of such talented, well esteemed people as an equal and a friend.

Enjoy and I'll try to keep more pictures coming!

An Update!

Very quickly I'd like to pass on that the BBC piece called, "The Secret Map of Hollywood", which covers the Wonderland murders, will be aired in February instead of December as previously posted. Thanks,

Dawn

A Message...

First, I would like to say thank you and welcome to the many people who have logged on to this site to inquire about my book, send good wishes, and to share their experiences and hope. My intentions for this site were to do just that and I feel I am truly blessed when I log on and read how some of you can relate on a personal level and how powerful it is to know that you can turn your life around and come out whole. When we all share, we are all inspired. On a side note I would like to say to those very, very few who have posted messages ...shall we say... of a negative nature, this site is not for that. If you feel a need to be judgmental, don't like what I have to say or doubt my words because you have read "somewhere" that I said something that appears a conflict, those comments simply will not be posted here. What I can say is that everything I post is the truth as I experienced it and at times I am simply not able to give more details because my agent won't allow it due to the book. There is nothing more to say here except...more will be revealed.

Happily, so far, I have mostly read genuine comments from the heart. We know who we are and we know the truth when we hear it. I cannot tell you how moved I am when I read the words of a fellow survivor. It is an indescribable feeling of freedom, joy and yes, victory. Somehow, all the pain of the past flashes before my eyes and I know it was for a reason -- it was for you. All of your voices, posted here on this simple site, tell me loud and clear that I am in the right place, doing the right thing and I thank you.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

Dawn

P.S. My new computer arrives next week and I will finally be able to post more often. Thank you.

Gratitude

Count them...write them down...the things you are grateful for. "I can't", I think. But today, it's because there are simply too many! My heart is full. Faces seem to float to the top of my thoughts. My daughter's beautiful smile...my family...good friends...a home...a warm bed...having enough. Yes enough. I am not hungry, I have purpose in my life. My deeds are well intended and I feel whole. At first, in the beginning of getting well, I saw nothing -- everything was dark to me. This pain, my pain, had to stop I decided, and so I made a committment to find my elusive light. A friend, Nan, who had offered me help, gave me instructions. "Write them down", she told me in an absolute tone, "Even if you don't feel it. Write down at least three things everyday that are gifts you are grateful for. Do this everyday, say thank you and more will come...I promise."

'What a crazy task', I balked, but I did them anyway. I said I would.

1. My dog. 2. Pizza. 3. Sleep.

My list stayed pretty much the same for many months, I remember, except the pizza, and sooner than I realized, my view of the world began to get lighter. Suddenly, I could move a little better -- freer, instead of constantly stumbling in the dark. I couldn't put my finger on it -- there was just more color everywhere -- and for some reason I was surrounded by it. Miraculously, I realized, with gratitude, I was in the presence of the beginning of hope.

Those days have turned to years now and when I hear the words of my good friend Nan say, "Write them down," instead of a list of three, I am guided to this computer to do just that.

Be grateful!

Dawn

A Great Speech!

Recently I watched Mystic River, putting it off for months after it's initial release. From the previews I knew it would be an emotionally painful movie...I had no idea. From the start of the movie I was uneasy...I could tell... For someone like me it was a given. With dreaded anticipation of what I knew was bound to come, I alternated with sitting and watching the screen through a couch pillow and running into the kitchen with shouts to my husband to call me when the murder scene was over.

"Oh my God!" I yelled out, "I can't believe I'm watching this movie!" I circled the wooden floor, pacing like a caged animal. The mortifyingly cruel injustice Tim Robbins character was subjected to, scorched my senses. 'This is a fictious story', I kept telling myself, but my gut knew better. What my gut knew, was the terrible pain of the scars of a victim and the double-edged dagger of being misunderstood to the point of persecution. Wow! This movie really pulled my triggers.

When my husband finally called me back into the room, I was emotionally drained. I don't remember what I did next, probably ate a big bowl of ice cream, but I know I wanted to forget...forget the emotions this movie had stirred in me.

Then, only a few weeks later, a quote from a poster named "Joe", caught my eye and my heart. It is beautiful, and because it had such a warming effect on me, I wanted to share it with everyone at the top of this weblog.

"I always thought this Oscar acceptance speech (for “Mystic River") by actor Tim Robbins had a great message for abused people: “In this movie, I play a victim of abuse and violence and if you are out there and are a person that has – had that tragedy befall you, there is no shame and no weakness in seeking help and counseling. It is sometimes the strongest thing that you can do to stop the cycle of violence. Thank you.”

Wholeheartly I agree. For me there was no other way out of that hell. And I am out, I know it. Come to think of it, that bowl of ice cream wasn't as big as I thought it was anyway.

Thanks Joe, for sharing.

Dawn

Let's Talk About Drugs

I had promised to post a topic on drugs a few days ago, but in actuality I had already created it last month when this site began because this is a topic that should not be overlooked. The reason being, for me, drugs were so horribly devastating and their nature so cruelly incidious, that in order to overcome my past I had to face the issue of drugs and not sweep them under the rug as I was so tempted to do. In my life, there were long term effects with no easy short term answers. At age fifteen, when I met John, I had already smoked pot and in fact pot was a medium that John used to get closer to me. Once our relationship was established, I was not allowed to smoke pot anymore, except on those occassions when he brought it home and we actually did go through a period of not smoking anything at all. At that time drugs were not important to me. What was important, I thought, was that I felt as though I was in love with John and John was (possessively), in love with me. The drugs came back into my life when John brought them in and in the end he brought not only pot, but cocaine and freebase, and he brought them in with a vengence.

I can't deny the effects cocaine and freebase had on my system. I was emaciated and many times craved it to take away the pain that my reality had become. Eventually, after getting away from John, I rejected any kind of drug in my life blaming them for every horrible thing that he ever did to me. But there was still alcohol...and depression...and fear...and insecurity. Those crippling elements that remained behind and took me years to filter through.

Today I am clean AND sober and I have been for many years. I also have had years of counseling. The issues of depression, shame, guilt, remorse and post traumatic stress syndrome were so severe that the only true relief for me was to muster the courage to confront my past and my pain, clearing the road to learn and grow. It is what has worked for me.

I will never underestimate the damage that drugs can create in a person's life. In writing my book, it was of the uttmost importance for me to honestly detail the path, the seemingly harmless road, that drugs lured us down. My story unfolds in the late seventies and early eighties. No one really knew how high a price we would all have to pay back then. It is my understanding that Cocaine Anonymous wasn't even established until 1981, the year of the Wonderland Murders. Today, as a survior, I find myself in the obvious role of passing down my story, perhaps offering a more educated view of the truth behind the seduction of drugs.

Take care of yourselves. Value yours and other's lives. We are all worth it and for those times that it may not seem like it, remember life has much more to offer than any drug can supply.

Blessings, Dawn

Beginnings.......

It is probably a bit late at this point to talk about beginnings, but I've been spending some time reflecting on what it is exactly that I want to have on this log. What was my intention? How did this come about? The creation of this place happened by sheer coincidence, (if you believe in such a thing), and you may have read a previous post where I thanked the people, (angels), that made it possible. Really, it was a sudden influx of heartfelt voices that set the wheels of this log in motion, and here I sit, reflecting... Walking in a warm Autumn evening with the season's leaves gently swirling in the breeze at my feet, I think about how happy I am to be alive and how remarkable it is that I am in a place of contentment with the world. My young daughter is by my side and all is well. We talk about spirit and prayer and even though she is but four years old, deep down inside of me I know she "gets it". I feel blessed to be able to show her the way and it brings me great joy to see her thrive in the sharing of these moments.

"Mom! Here are some special wishing leaves. Let's make a wish!" she exclaims with true conviction, and hands me half her handful excitedly. Holding the other half of leaves over her head, she whispers to the wind her heart's desires and lets them go with a smile that knows "it worked".

"Your turn Mom", she tells me, and I happily see no alternative but to follow suit. Laughing together we hug afterwards and decide to lay down on a patch of neighbor's lawn to look up at the stars in the sky and say whatever is on our minds. 'This is why I am here today', I think to myself, and at this point in time I see how life is perfect and how I am living my own heart's desire. This, I think, is very much what I want to say on this log.

What I try not to do is pass down the pain or the can'ts, the less thans, the hopelessness, or the never enoughs. I don't willingly give life to the very things I struggled to overcome, nor consciously present them as gifts. Some of these are obvious and some aren't and so I try to remain attentive to my actions on a daily basis. Do I slack off or fall behind? Yes. But my commitment to myself, others and life, picks me up again, dusts me off and the end result is that my world just keeps getting better.

Today is my niece's birthday. She shares this day with John Lennon and there is a peacefulness in the air. She is fifteen years old -- the same age as I was when I first met John Holmes. Unlike me at that age, she is having a slumber party, eating pizza, practicing her dance moves and doing hair. How happy I am for her, how truly happy.

What is this place? Somewhere to share expressions, pasts, pains, loves, loses, triumphs, spirit, healing and freedom. Here is a place, a home, for my friends and family, met and as yet unmet.

What is this place? Humm. Let's see... A vision. A small point of light in space, (cyberspace), where colors, born of darkness and light, cast out into infinity the warm promises of hope. A grand scale idea indeed... A grand scale idea...

Blessings, Dawn

BBC - "The Secret Map of Hollywood"

Hello, Just spoke with the producers of the BBC special, "The Secret Map of Hollywood", which is a six-part documentary featuring Hollywood's most notorious crimes. The Wonderland Murders will be highlighted as one of it's parts and last June Sharon and myself were interviewed for the piece. It was originally my understanding that the airing would be in September, but that has changed. The finalization of the piece has taken longer than expected in post-production due to a tremendous amount of complex graphics that are being added. The word from the BBC is that they are very pleased with the Wonderland portion and the entire six segments will be aired instead in December this year. I'll keep you posted as I know more hoping you will do the same. Thanks.

Dawn

Domestic Violence Vigil

A proud presence. Some very special people make a stand at the Domestic Violence Vigil on October 1st. Every "nine seconds" an act of violence is committed against a loved one/partner. To the victim, it is an indescribable hell with no safe way out! Help create awareness in your community. Contact your local shelter and find out what you can do. You can make a difference...we all can. Blessings.

Check it out!

The amazing piece of art that lines the heading of this site, is a cropped section of a massive collage created by Val Kilmer and Ali Alborzi. It consists mainly of many different photos that were taken during the filming of Wonderland. This piece is also one of my favorites and without a doubt the most cathartic for me. It is called, "I'm So Sorry", aptly named because the entire thing is covered with the words "I'm sorry". Transformed through the eyes of Val and Ali, the familiar visual images of my past, and those simple words, engulf me in a powerful way. To me, for as long as this art exists, John's image will be offering his apologies and like a divine gift from beyond the grave, my heart is given a great measure of solace.

Thank you Val and Ali! You are good people.

Dawn