On July 22nd this year, I marked my twelfth year clean and sober. Not a small feat considering my drug infused past, and I am beyond grateful that I have made it this far.  I have so many blessings in my life today. Blessings I never, in my wildest dreams, believed would be realities for me. It seemed any happiness was unattainable, not in my cards, someone else’s story, any excuse, but not for me. I had so much pain from a youth that haunted me, and I saw no way to live with myself except by numbing it out to escape.  I was a shell of a person who, even though I had survived my experience with John Holmes, was killing myself.  In the end, I had lost my home, my friends, my family, and my connection with God.  But I wouldn’t die….

When I share this experience with others, I remember  it like this: A day came when I was particularly despondent, coming out of a fog that I had literally prayed I wouldn’t wake up from.  It was mid-day and for some reason I turned to look toward some dusty bushes rustling in an unexpected breeze.  I stared at them, watching the wind curl a random pattern through their brown-tinged leaves. There, I was suddenly struck with an understanding…a deep new awareness that came to me clear and simple–”it was time I change”.  Then almost as randomly, an acquaintance happened to show up and offer me help… this time I took it.

It was tough in the beginning, but with God’s Grace I’m making  it, one day at a time.  My journey has been a path of amazing revelations–of who I was, who I am, and who I am supposed to be.  Also, came  a wonderful reconnection with God and some amazing opportunities. So much of my pain was connected to abuse, and with my abuse there was the theft of my God given voice.  With sobriety came healing and from healing…the publishing of my book. I have been given my voice back in a big way.

The Grace and opportunities haven’t stopped. My voice has now grown into a conduit for other voices.  The voices of those throwaway teens who are still suffering, reaching out, and seeking to be heard.  A documentary is on the horizon.  Today, I am humbled and again blessed to be given the chance to produce a film depicting the plight of these teens.  With the support of Medallion Media and award-winning documentary film maker Justin Hunt (“American Meth” and “Absent”) this film will become a reality, and another new awareness will be realized by many.

To think, twelve years ago I wanted to die. I had no idea that I was worth anything, for myself or much less for others.  But God did.

Thank you all for being a part of this journey with me. I am grateful beyond words.

Dawn

I watched the movie “Harold and Maude” with John in the seventies. My world was turning upside down. While this song played in the film, I was drawn to stare at John. He squirmed uncomfortably in his
green vinyl chair, knowing my soul was begging him to stop.
Here is Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam singing that song, “Trouble” by Cat Stevens.

When children, teens in particular, are tossed aside by their guardians they are extremely vulnerable to the lecherous side of society.  One of the more devious class are the pimps. Men that groom and work these young kids, who are often homeless, into sexually exploitative situations first befriend them and gain their trust. They buy them the basics to survive and kids being so desperate for food, clothing, shelter and love, accept these back-handed promises while talking themselves into believing that this is all they deserve in life.  When the pimp grooms them and then later controls them with force, it is extremely difficult to identify them. They move or are  moved and don’t trust adults, especially law enforcement. Often, they don’t think of themselves as victims. Still, there is hope.  Some signs to identify them  include:

• Highly controlled or restricted schedule, money or communications
• Unidentifiable source of income
• Unexplained absences of days at a time
• Unexplained source of new clothing and personal items
• Bruises or other physical signs of abuse
• A tattoo that the young person is reluctant to explain (for instance, being “branded” with an exploiter’s name on the neck, chest or arms)
• Isolation from family, friends or other social networks
• Secrecy or vagueness about whereabouts
• Gaps in life story or defensiveness in response to questions or concerns
• Paranoia or lack of trust
• Self-blame or feelings of humiliation or shame
• Disassociation or lack of connection to the outside world
• Malnourishment
• Untreated health and dental problems

No one chooses to be sexually exploited. A child doesn’t say one day “I want to be sold for money”. But when it happens, it didn’t happen overnight.  It can take a long time for a teen to overcome a life wrought with abuse and degradation. Be patient, be aware and above all don’t judge. These kids deserve a better life.

For further information please visit the National Clearinghouse on Families & Youth website.

In an April 28, 2009 article in the San Francisco Weekly.com is the story of three teenage girls, Felicia, Jillian and Kim.  Besides being young teenagers, they had a couple more things in common–they were all three throwaways–and they were being tried for murder.

In the article titled, Pretty Bad Girls, it states, “All had come from broken families, eventually becoming what investigators called “throwaways,” the catch-all term for girls on their own at a young age. Struggling to support themselves and their drug-addled lifestyle, the teenagers had become close and built a family of their own.”

The article details the events of one ill-fated evening in San Francisco where they lured a young man to the beach, shot and robbed him.  This horrible tragedy, detailed in the link below, is yet another story of the terrible consequences of a throwaway teen. When teens have to run from abuse and neglect they often fall into hard crime on the streets to survive.  Here, the ultimate crime was committed, and the biggest tragedy of all is clearly the loss of that young man’s life.  But the article also accurately states, “the situation of the throwaway girls is also tragic. They are these kids on the street, living adult lives. Kids that are raised in dysfunctional families…have very short childhoods. I think childhood is so painful for them that there’s a tendency to want to grow up quicker just to get away.”

These girls now wear prison garb and have to take responsibility for the pain they have caused–and I agree they should.  But I also can’t help but wonder if they were ever given any hope in their lives.  Hope to see that there was much more in the world for them, and that they deserved to reach out and own it.  I said…I wonder.

San Francisco Weekly

Yesterday, I received my first review on my unedited manuscript from New York Times bestselling author, Lois Gresh.  For me, to write is an art, and many times the art was my only source of light in the darkness of writing  my story.

Thank you Lois,

Dawn

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The Road through Wonderland is a gripping and beautifully written memoir about Dawn Schiller’s teen years with John Holmes.  This riveting account moves the reader from Dawn’s impoverished beginnings in a rough neighborhood to a much worse life under the spell of John Holmes.  Drug addiction, sexual abuse, hooking and being sold for drug favors, suicide attempts, physical abuse that almost left her dead, psychological trauma, and being way too close to multiple murders:  Dawn endured far too much for any teenager.  This book is a firsthand account of Dawn’s descent into hell and her struggle to survive.

Lois Gresh, New York Times best-selling author of _The Twilight Companion: The Unauthorized Guide to the Series

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Medallion press launched a new website for my book, The Road Through Wonderland.  The address is www.theroadthroughwonderland.com.

Check it out! There is still much more to be added as we go along, including linking this web blog to the site.  So come back whenever you can to find out about additional speaking engagements, etc.

I’d love to hear what you think, so feel free to leave a comment.  You can also find the group “theroadthroughwonderland” on facebook that is also new, where you can leave direct comments as well.

Thanks for all your support and love.  I am inspired by YOU!

Dawn

I want to share some of the feedback I received from the teens who came to my presentations, “Our Throwaway Teens: Who Are They and How Can We Help?”  These comments are so important as they reflect a teen’s view on abuse and neglect today!

TEENS SAY

“I thought you did a nice job on your presentation. I must say I didn’t feel very affected by it simply because I know so many people already who are in abusive stiuations. However, I could tell that the adults around me were. It’s great that you are making this effort to spread awareness. We both know that an actual solution will be a horribly difficult thing to put into play. Keep up the good work ”

“Your presentation was powerful, however I do feel the statistics were way too low. Even as it was though, it provided a great amount of insight into the world of a throwaway teen. The only thing I can think of that would make it more powerful would be more firsthand accounts of your life or of others teens. I think it is wonderful that you took the hard life you’ve had and have turned it around so you can help others. Good luck!”

“It was a presentation filled with information that got you thinking and feeling about things you had not before. It gave so much information that I didn’t know and opened my eyes to the issues of throwaway teens.”

“The thing that struck me the most about the presentation was how many “throwaway” teens there are. It made me start thinking about other kids I know who might be going through those kind of things, and now I know why/how to sympathize and have extra compassion for those kids.“

“It was very informative and the visuals were good. I liked how you showed ways to help these teenagers and how easy it is to help.”

“I love the recordings, it brought the facts to life. I didn’t feel you were trying to pressure me to feel something. I just did.”

“I thought it was great. It was very emotional, yet very informational. I can really relate to lots of people and their own struggles.”

“Your presentation was very interesting. I enjoyed all that I learned from it and it reached my heart. Powerful, disturbing, informative.”

“It was an eyeopening experience to the realities of life and the stuff we don’t all see. It brought me to a completely different world and I learned so much. Good presentation.”

“Your presentation was really informative. It was also very emotional. I could tell how much of your emotions you put into it.”

“Your presentation was very moving. The images and dramatic readings gave the presentation a new dimension that allows for your listener to connect to the situations.”

“The presentation did a good job at shedding light on an unfortunately hidden problem.”

“Powerful, moving presentation… For those of us who lived it, I hope we can help to save others from going through the same.”

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THIS IS FROM THE AUTHOR OF ONE OF THE NARRATIVES I USED IN MY PRESENTATION. HE SAW HOW HIS STORY COULD HELP OTHERS.  HE IS AMAZING!

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“I really liked your presentation. It was close to me because I’ve gone through similar accounts. I thank you for using my essay.”

All my love and thanks for these comments and for coming to listen to such a hard topic.  Also, for being willing to see how you can possibly help.

Dawn

This may or may not be clear to people, but I have two birthdays. My bellybutton birthday on December 29th and another, July 22nd, the anniversary of the day that I got sober. It has been over a decade since I turned away from the need to numb out my emotions. What a journey so far!

I remember in the beginning the sheer agony of being in my own skin. Every reflection of me was like a million shards of “my” broken mirror slicing through my very soul. My wounded past was overpowering, and I was afraid to move. I was a walking, breathing bomb of fire…explosion…then ashes. A pile of rendered dust. Chaos surrounded me, threatened to suck me back. Fear was very angry.

Then Grace came. A tiny pin-point of light. Warm hands held mine softly in a circle and said “pray”. I took steps that measured nano-seconds, then seconds, then minutes, and hours…and I didn’t die. I began to have moments of clarity and peace, and I clung to them as my armor for when fear would try to return.

Grace continued to come. My prayers grew stronger, and I learned the word faith. The light, soft, pure, resilient, wrapped around me. Nonthreatening and tiny at first, it was stronger, more beautiful than I ever imagined…and the scary things slowly lost their shape and disappeared. I learned the word trust.

Grace remains. The events of my past haven’t changed. I have. I have turned the glass over, and it is more than half full. It is in fact, many times brimming over. In my wildest dreams I never thought I’d get to be part of a better day for others, but here I am. Today, I have happiness, purpose, joy and love in my life. I have learned that the light is God.

Medallion Press is airing a short interview I did with them last month at the Book Expo of America in New York.

Blog Talk Radio

Best,
Dawn